Overheard: Conversations With My Five Year Old...

My husband is working this weekend, and I've spent the last 2 days taking care of a sick little boy, who has a pretty hard core cold.

Jake: Hey mom, you know what's better than Lasagna?
Me: What darlin'?
Jake: Love.
Me: Love is indeed better than lasagna, my dear heart.

Less than 5 minutes later during a chat:

Jake: Hey Mom, when you die...
Me: ...Huh?
J: When you die, I will keep your heart in a jar. Shaped like a heart. On the mantle.
Me: (In my head) *What the actual fuck?* (out loud) Oh...

Ten minutes later:

Jake: (Showing me toys he's playing with) "This is the Daddy, and this is the son, but there is no mommy, because she's dead.
Me: Dude! What's up with the general theme of "dead mom" you have going on here? I am getting concerned...
J: Muah-ha-ha-ha!
Me: Very funny.

Overheard: Kitty Deluxe...

Cat: Oh Hai! You wanted to sleep, so I knocked over something loud and suspicious sounding downstairs while you were drifting off, then meowed pitifully a few times so you thought it was squishing me - Even though I'm totally fine and just wanted you to get up and play, play, play! Also, I'm going to wind my body in figure eights around your ankles while you try to find out what mystery item I sent careening to the ground. Especially while your trying to walk down the stairs! (You'll never find out what it was though, its a MYSTERY SURPRISE!) I hope you don't mind! Me-wow! I'm your adorable Kitty! Hey can I have some food?

Me: *sigh* ...Cat.

Overheard: My Handy Helper...

I give Jake a glass and two small bowls from snack time to take into the kitchen to put into the sink as we are finishing tidying up the living room. All the sudden I hear the garbage can lid opening.

Me: Jake! What are you doing?!

J: *pause* Um... Putting the cup in the garbage?

Me: WHY???

J: That's what you told me to do?

Me: No, I didn't. I said put them in the sink. Yikes! I just bought those glasses, dude.

J: Ooops!

I wonder how many cups/bowls/plates he's thrown into the garbage since he's started helping me clean the house?

Overheard: Stormy Weather...

Jake: Mommy, can we go outside if we wear sweaters?

Me: No, not today buddy  It's an inside day. it's stormy outside.

Jake: It's not stormy! I don't see any lightening, or hear thunder! (:O Cheeky bugger!)

Me: Nope, It's a wind storm. you'd blow away into the sky like a kite! Aaaaah! *pretends her hand is him flying into the sky.*

Jake: *looks at me for a minute, shocked. Then smiles and shakes his head.* No mommy, you're just joking me.

Me: A little bit, buddy. you could get knocked on your bum though.

Not Sexy and I Know It...

LMFAO: Wiggle,wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, Uh....

Me: Oh my GOD what did I do to myself!? My ass!!! Ow, Ow!

(Me dancing to Sexy And I Know It by LMFAO while cleaning my kitchen this morning...)

Post-Ticklus...

Jake, sitting awkwardly astraddle my legs, grabbing the pull strings on my hoodie and bouncing on me: "Giddy up, horsie!"

Me: "Nooooo. You've exhausted me. Mommy is tired."

Jake: "But, I am the cowboy. And you are the horsie.

*pause*

The ooooooold horsie."

Me: "You say the nicest things. That's a definite "No"."

Jake: "Aaaawwwwhh!"

It's a State of Being....

Jake: Mommy, can you tell me a story?

Me: Sure buddy.

Jake: About dinosaurs!

Me: Okay... Once upon a time, there was a dinosaur and his name waaaaaas?

Jake: T-Rex Buddy!

Me: Sure, T-Rex Buddy. And he had a friend named Jakeasaurus!

Jake: !!!!!! *wordless twirl of excitement on my bed!*

Me: And T-Rex Buddy and Jakeasaurus liked to eaaaaattt?

Jake: MEAT! AND BAD GUYS! CARRION! THEY ARE CARNIVORES!

Me: Yep, meat. Aaaaand they also liked to eat?

Jake: PIZZA!

Me: What colour was T Rex Buddy?

Jake: Black, with red, here, (indicates his sides) *Then he collapses bonelessly on my bed*

Me: And what colour was Jakeasaurus?

Jake: *tongue sticking out the side of his mouth* Dead!

Me: Dead is not a colour, honey. It's a state of being.

Jake: Oh. Okay.

Overheard: On Anniversary presents...

My first wedding anniversary with the Hubby is today, and I was having a late night conversation with one of my lovely cupcakes, Ms. Alli via chat.

Me: So, I either get diamonds or a teapot for my anniversary present... What do you think I'll get?

Alli: Oh oh! I hope it's a diamond-encrusted teapot!

Me: Ha! ...Completely impractical on a necklace.

Alli: Bahahahahhaha! You could be the Martha Stewart version of Flava Flav!

Overheard: On Paper

*Jake farts around with the printer while I'm on my computer*
Me: Hey! Don't touch that babe!
Jake: But I need more papers!
Me: What? You had three sheets, did you finish cutting them with your scissors already?
Jake: No mommy, I didn't cut them, I raped them.
Me: ... Uh.... Ripped them?
Jake: Yes!
Me: It's all about pronunciation, my love. R-IIIII-pped.

Overheard: On Chinese Food.

H: I really want to order Chinese food from Asian Spice but they don't do pork.
Me: What?! What kind of Chinese food place doesn't do pork in their food?
H: I think it's a religious thing.
Me: So what, like... Kosher Chinese food? Does that even exist?
H: I have no idea.
Me: Ummm.. What would you even call that? Jewnese? ChiJew? *pause* ...ChiJew. That sounds better than Jewnese.

Overheard: on the Potty...

Jake, while sitting on his potty: Mommy, I have to talk to you. This is SERIOUS talk. I are a serious Jakey. You sit down and look at me. (This is exactly what I say to him when he is in trouble after a time out. LOL!)

Me: Am I in trouble, buddy?

Jake: Yes! You were a bad mommy!

Me: Okay kiddo. But can you at least try to pee while you tear a strip off of me, so that we can tackle two things at once?

Jake: Okay Mommy!