Worst Kinder Surprise Toy Ever...

So, today My darling son decided against better notions swimming in his brain to stand on the arm of the leather chair we have in our living room. Despite being told multiple times that it is not acceptable behaviour, he aspired to climb Mount Crapchair.

His foot slipped and he did what can only be described as the most spectacular accidental ass over teakettle/cartwheel I have ever seen in my life, where all I saw was his round little legs sticking up (followed by his head popping up) and then that horrible "OH MY GAHHHHH I AM INJURED!" scream as he scraped his rib cage against the corner of the piano bench I use to store my embroidery stuff in, and also as a side table. At the time he was so mortified, being the sensitive cancer sign child he is, and in pain he refused to even let me look at it. (Definitely my child. This is classic "me" behaviour when I have hurt myself. Howling savage wolf mode.) I asked him several times if he was ok only to be replied to with "DON'T TALK TO ME, I AM EMBARRASSED!"

Well then... Fair enough, if he had the tenacity and awareness to vocalize his emotions, then really, he's probably ok.

Me: "baby, I will hug you later if you want."
J: "ok maybe later. I'm cool."

And really, he seemed fine. 10 minutes later he was running, jumping and rolling. I honestly forgot it happened. Until bath time. Hubby stripped the t shirt off and I all heard was a gasp and "Oh my god! Son! What did you do to yourself today?"
Me: "Oh yeah! It was crazy! I forgot to tell you!"
Hubby: *glares at me*
J: "Daddy I did a big bail off the chair. I wouldn't let mommy see."

He's now sporting the most massive hematoma bruise I have ever seen on his torso, compounded by the fact that he makes milk jealous with his skin tone, this looks doubly horrifying. I think the only thing that stopped him from popping a rib was the fact that he is... Ahem... Rather well padded... Ok, the kid is round.

My hubby who is certified St. John level 2 first aid, and I (merely a concerned mommy level first aid) did a listen of a multitude of deep, full breaths ("J, babe, you need to exhale too...") and poked and prodded around the bruise and he is fine. No screams, He has full range of movement and the only reason we knew he even had the bruise was because he was stripped down for his bath. Surprise!

Worst Kinder surprise toy ever.

So chalk up one for being fat. Or flexible. Or perhaps both. It saved us all a trip to emergency.

Of course it doesn't mean I haven't checked in on him four times so far since he's gone to bed. He may be one tough cookie but he's still my baby.

Fuck Cancer...

                    Ok... Breathe... Annnnd, go!

So over the past couple of weeks I have been in and out of various medical facilities getting poked, prodded and pummelled by x-rays, ultrasounds, ct scans and the like.

On Friday, March 1st, I got my official results from my urologist and I have a very controllable form of renal cell carcinoma (aka. kidney cancer.) I have a 1.9 by 2.2 inch solid malignant tumor in my upper right kidney. I go in for a radical nephrectomy (full kidney removal) on April 2nd.

Fast. Track. Time. Bitches.

See the bow? Yeah, right there. That's roughly where my tumor is.
Also please note, image courtesy of (nsfw) thefagcasanova.wordpress.com

I post not for sympathy but explanation, if I seem loopy and or depressed I am very overwhelmed and frustrated at times. My surgeon told me "you have cancer, I'm going to get it out of you" and very little else... While he is a spectacular surgeon, I am the type of person that can handle and requires all I formation possible to know what's going down in kidney town. I found this website from the kidney cancer society.

I am having an open, partial to full nephrectomy depending on how large my tumor is, and if it has effected my adrenal gland. The website explains effectively and in a matter of fact manner what I should expect or hope for in my surgery. It is the best resource I have found.

I could potentially have to have a few ribs, surrounding adipose fat, kidney and adrenal gland removed (depending on metastasis) but my doctor estimates I am between stage 1 and possibly stage 2. I have approximately 25 days until I go under the knife.

Compounded with my normal anxiety problems hearing a doctor tell me "you have cancer" is hard. I'm taking Ativan in small doses during the day to manage my panic/anxiety and am usually able to wave off the "Holy fuck!!!" Factor pretty well but I falter sometimes. Over the last 2 weeks I have managed to deal with my panic and anxiety naturally for the most part.

Entertainingly enough, my inner freak out/panic voice sounds very much like the Chicken lady from Kids In The Hall skits. I do a minor amount of navel gazing which is permissible, no one is happy 100% of the time... But, I am doing my best.

I have moderate discomfort usually when trying to sleep, where my back aches and twinges on my right side below my shoulder blade, and my ribs ache, sometimes quite badly. It is getting steadily worse and definitely affecting my sleep patterns. Once I out I am OUT, but it takes several hours to get to that point.

90% of the time so far I have been OK., since I know I am one of the lucky few that has a fairly controllable and curable form of cancer; (barring metastasis) but it is still cancer, and I have never had major surgery in my lifetime.

I'm more nervous about the surgery than the cancer since I know it's not metastasised outside of my kidney. Life is going to be full of huge change in a relatively short period of time and I am flexible, but not quite that quickly, lol!

I am coming to terms with the fact that I more than likely will not be having another baby, which sent me into a sadness funk for a few days and I am still getting over that hump. I've been saving my sons baby clothes and crib, stroller, etc., anticipating having a sibling for him, but given my husbands age and how I recover from my surgery and potentially after treatment if required (chemotherapy, radiation therapy...) and the year it will take for my body to recuperate from major abdominal surgery... It doesn't look like baby #2 is going to happen. So now I have all this baby shit cluttering up my storage areas, and a sad spot in my soul knowing that my sweet young man will never be my wee baby again. Oh well. He is wonderful and at least I have him.

Anyway, that's the scoop, peeps. Pretty heavy, no?

Also it should be stated as loudly from the rooftops as possible, "Fuck you cancer, you won't get the best of me!"

What Does The Future Hold?

The end of June brought my son turning four into our lives. This year will be big changes for both of us, as I've been lucky enough to be a stay-at-home-Mom for the last four years. 

I was hoping I'd be Mommy to two at this point but have told my hubby that if I'm not knocked up by 2013, I'm not having another baby. My son will be turning five and going into full-day kindergarten and I'll have the time to turn my attentions to myself again. At least while he is in school.

I'm honestly at a loss.

There are a few careers I've been looking into, but nothing that strikes me as fascinating other than becoming a certified GIA appraiser for jewellery and gemstones. The options to do that job are quite varied, from working in a jewellery store, doing private appraisals of jewellery and gemstones in private residences or via jewellery clinics, to examining gems either lab or naturally created in a private lab setting. (and after 10 years of working with customers prior to having Jake, I'm a bit burnt out of working with the general populace.)

What would you choose if faced with an option for a complete change of career? What's your dream job?

Overheard: My Handy Helper...

I give Jake a glass and two small bowls from snack time to take into the kitchen to put into the sink as we are finishing tidying up the living room. All the sudden I hear the garbage can lid opening.

Me: Jake! What are you doing?!

J: *pause* Um... Putting the cup in the garbage?

Me: WHY???

J: That's what you told me to do?

Me: No, I didn't. I said put them in the sink. Yikes! I just bought those glasses, dude.

J: Ooops!

I wonder how many cups/bowls/plates he's thrown into the garbage since he's started helping me clean the house?

Overheard: Stormy Weather...

Jake: Mommy, can we go outside if we wear sweaters?

Me: No, not today buddy  It's an inside day. it's stormy outside.

Jake: It's not stormy! I don't see any lightening, or hear thunder! (:O Cheeky bugger!)

Me: Nope, It's a wind storm. you'd blow away into the sky like a kite! Aaaaah! *pretends her hand is him flying into the sky.*

Jake: *looks at me for a minute, shocked. Then smiles and shakes his head.* No mommy, you're just joking me.

Me: A little bit, buddy. you could get knocked on your bum though.

A Christmas Poem...

 

T'was the day of Christmas and all through the house;

some hacking some snoring, except for the Haus(frau). 

The living room a disaster with toys everywhere;
the dishwasher's going without going anywhere!

The turkey breast; stuffing, in the slow cooker cooking;
Mommy's wishing for booze, but not really looking.
 

The preschooler (not) napping; toy shark in his fist; 

Mommy's heard him making noise, Oh gosh, now she's pissed! 

(not really...)
 

A ham, turkey, chicken, some veggies and pie; 

I'll be beat when I hit the hay ain't tellin' no lie!

Merry Christmas to all, It's been a long day; 

I'm tired but I'm happy, can't wait til tonight!




*snoooorrrreeeeee!!*

All Hallow's Eve... (Photos)

With a touch of the Day of the Dead. My Halloween Costume!
All the colours are old eyeshadows I haven't used in years,
mixed with a moisturizer. SMART.

Action shot.

LumberJake. He didn't want a moustache. Dangit!

LumberJake turned Axe Murderer action shot. 

I have no idea why he's holding up 4 fingers.

More hot live jack-o-lantern action. People loved the MJ!

Sitting outside supplying trick-or-treaters with tootsie rolls.
I stayed outside until my nose ran.

An interesting warning... Aka Ramble on, Linds.

So... "Anonymous" (the social/supposedly "not anarchistic" hacktivist group who fights for freedom and the rights of people to not be infringed upon) is claiming they are going to "kill Facebook" because they believe that Fb is selling your private information to the FBI and CSIS, etc... therefore allowing agencies to spy on you as a private citizen; on November 5th, 2011. ("Remember, remember the fifth of November...") I guess in some sort of homage to the anarchical Guy Fawkes, and the Guy Fawkes masks they prefer to wear?

Considering Anonymous claims that they were responsible for having royally f*cked both the BART website for San Francisco's rapid transit; on the 15th of August, 2011 (with "ample due warning"...) and the playstation network for quite a long period of time. (A month I think? Perhaps longer?)

I believe I'm going to be prudent (or just paranoid?) and download all of my media from here just to be safe so I don't lose it all. Facebook offers this service for free, by the way. I may be paranoid, but losing all of my videos and pics of vacations, crafts, holidays and pics of my son growing up over the last three years would break my heart, and it's easy enough to do so there's no real harm in it, I suppose.

For the record, I hate these kind of fear-mongering status updates/notes but I looked it up on the anonymous news aggregate site where it is *not* mentioned yet, but their YouTube channel (@anonymoususd ; which claims it *IS* authentic... though I am uncertain if that is their "official" youtube channel) There could be a hundred gung-ho morons out there itching to pretend to be anon. It seems... Perhaps, genuine? Who knows?

I guess we'll just have to wait and see, huh? What do you think?

There's always google plus. If anyone wants an invitation to that, I have 150 of them.

I dunno what information they think CSIS /FBI types are gonna get on me, personally, other than that I play Farmville, like to do crafts, take a zillion pics of my boring everyday life and my handsome little boy and bake a shit-ton of cookies so my husband stays happy and I get my chocolate chip cookie fix.

My address? Shit, they could just get that from my ISP.

Xox

Linds

"A Wild Elementary School Appears!"

So Today. Jake and I were minding our own business at the mall. I had to go to the doctors, I just found out that I've got a double middle ear infection, so I had to get some antibiotics for it. Yuck. I feel like I'm six years old again! When I was a kid I had chronic ear infections, probably 3-4 times a year. I haven't had one in about 25 years. I forgot how much they hurt!

So anyways, Jake and I are chowing down on lunch, I get a coffee, I'm doing a bit of referencing for a potential educational interest (I'm looking into becoming a certified gemologist) so I was speaking to a few of the owners of the local jewelery stores. It's either this or midwifery. I know, Odd disparity in choices, but those two things interested me the most. I like Shinies, and I like babies/can handle being in stressful situations just fine as long as it's not me who's the stressed out party.

So I'm by the Starbucks, and all the sudden this RIVER of elementary school kids starts pouring by. I'm not kidding, like 6 kids wide and endless kids long, it was INSANE. Apparently the intermediate kids from a local Elementary school (so grades 4-7, I believe?) swamped the mall, and busted out some dance moves for Green awareness (?) to Katy Perry's Firework. It was pretty cool. Unfortunately I was at the rear of the performance, so I didn't get their cute little faces in the shot. But it was still awesome! I am guessing there was somewhere between 200-300 kids out there shaking their groove thangs!

Check out the video!

I Can Haz April Fool?

Ok, so I officially fell for 2 pranks this April fools day, one masterfully executed by my cousin Sylvie, (which I don't know If I can forgive her for) because I was so very bummed after I found out it was her joke. She posted on her facebook status that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2 was being released in May instead of July. I was GLEEFUL. I posted it on a friends page. And the only reason I fell for it was because I didn't think Miss Sylvie was the prankster type. (I should KNOW better, I live with her for gods sake.)

But no, it's still being released on or around July 15th.

Sad. Face. FOREVER! You don't fuck around with a nerd and Harry Potter.

I'll have to get over myself with that one. (I told her she was a stinker, and she laughed and laughed at my disgruntled face!) which I'm sure will happen within moments.

And the other "prank" was by Gmail/Google. Seriously. I'll let you see for yourself.

Now, I wouldn't have fallen for it under normal April 1st circumstances, as I'm pretty wary of anything on that day, and I'm really freaking gullible. But the clincher was that it was linked in my gmail inbox, up in the navigation bars as a new product. Now, admittedly, my email could have possibly been open since the 1st in my browser and and I never actually refreshed the page. but aren't AFD pranks supposed to happen on the 1st, not the 3rd of April? (and technically, aren't pranks supposed to occur only until noon on the first?) I checked it out today and was flabbergasted at the concept, mainly because people would look like total tools dancing around in front of their webcams.

I can type faster than I could charades out a freaking email.

And while I thought looked ridiculous, but more for the guy demoing it than the concept itself. Dude was totally a Creepy McCreeperson. All I could think was poor planning on Google's advertising team! LOL!

though I have to give both Sylvie and Google credit, for as paranoid a person as I am around the first of April, they totally snookered me.

Here's a video that nicely sums up how much I dislike April fools day, It's from Canadian sitcom Corner Gas, and features my favourite character (Davis).



The reasons mostly being that I feel like most pranks are usually malicious and poorly thought out. For example, as a kid, I thought it would be hilarious to put water into the section of the food processor that was used to push food towards the blades. HAHAhahaha...ha..hhhaaaaa.... *sighs* Yes, electrical devices and water, and spinning razor sharp blades. I never said I was brilliant at the age of 10. (I didn't actually do that one, I thought I would get in tons of shit for it.)

Most of my friends seem to rotate around the concept that announcing pregnancies and relationship statuses on facebook was the theme of the day. You know, the kind of blatantly obvious jokes that only fool the people who don't know the actual date.

Except for Sylvie. Who successfully yanked my chain.

Discipline! Discipline! We need some Discipline in Here!

Sunday last week was an unexpected meltdown on my part, and I feel bad. My hubby, son and I went to visit my parents for dinner (which was excellent) and some quality time. By the end of the evening, around 8 pm, Jake was owly, definitely ready for bed and as he is stubborn he was NOT listening to anyone.

Boy, do I dig that sometimes, Mr. Kitty Cat.

Jake is good at being very single minded when he so desires, it is frustrating and exhausting. It often feels like he's taken the stubbornness of my Husband and myself and concentrated it down into a pint-sized version of us at our very worst stubborn moments.

Children can totally be a mirror of their parents, and often, if you see a trait in your kids you dislike, remember that it is you they are usually mimicking.

Food for thought, huh?

At any rate, Jake wasn't listening, he was being a little turd and frustrating myself and Cliff, and to a lesser extent my parents. After fighting with him to get ready to go, wrestling a new pair of pajama pants on him, shoes, coat, etc etc, I was ready to get the hell out of there, and get his unruly ass into his bed ...And maybe imbibe in a drink myself. (Just kidding, I am such a sissy. I can't even drink anymore if I wanted to.)

Now, I can respect my parents and the fact that they raised me, and have dealt with a 2 year-old before, one who was probably as stubborn as Jake is, maybe even more so, (Yep, I'm referring to me. Hi! How are ya?! LOL! Here's saying he totally comes by it honestly!) and my dad says to me point blank as he's giving me a hug goodbye: "You need to punish him when he doesn't listen to you. He needs to know there are direct consequences for not doing what you say to him." And you know what? I agree with him 100%, I do!

However, a suggestion, criticism, or whichever you want to call it, is still criticism, just varied between constructive and non-constructive (In my opinion, that is.) and how it's received, largely depends on the timing that you deliver it in. To me, in my sensitive and ridiculously emotional state at that point in time, it felt like my dad was saying I was too soft on Jake, (In his defense, he totally wasn't.) when truth be told, I have very little patience anymore with my sons particular brand of bullshit. I am not "too soft" on my son, I just have to pick my battles with him, or I reach MY breaking point.

Mommy puts baby in the corner.

Now, my dad wasn't being harsh, his tone wasn't angry or rude, but my son does face his punishments when he is badly behaved. He gets put nose into the corner with his hands behind his back, and stays there until the notion sinks into his stubborn little brain. There are ways of dealing with Jakes behaviour that work, and ways that absolutely do not, and make him dig his heels in harder and act up even more. I know this kid, pretty much inside and out at this point, as best as I can possibly get to know his little mind and how it works. I'm trying to figure out ways to work with my son rather than have the situation combat the crap out of itself in battlefield Casa De Cupcakes.

I can agree somewhat with spanking as punishment, as it was effective when Jake was younger, as opposed to this point in his life where he either doesn't bat an eyelash or he laughs in my face. Needless to say my little bulldozer doesn't really get a spank anymore on his bum. Lately it seems ineffective with Jake to get his attention, unless he does something horribly bad which is a swat on the ass and a lengthy time out in the corner, (see related picture.) but personally I feel that the corner is what he dislikes more. Being removed from the situation more so than the swat on the butt is FAR more effective. I'm taking away his fun, and not giving him the attention he's requesting by acting like a terror. Point; Match, little boy. Mommy wins. (For now. Ugh.)

 What's more a concern for me is that J doesn't respond to yelling at him unless it scares him from doing something bad that he is fully involved in. Which, I mean honestly, if you were yelled at while engrossed in a task you'd be upset too. Hollering at this kid doesn't really work. I was somewhat at a loss, but I wasn't stumped for long.

This just meant a change in tactics.


I've been trying new methods of correction and consequence for his behaviour, and I find if I focus on working WITH Jake rather than against his desires, which is not saying that I am caving into his needs, but more that I am manipulating his needs to suit my own. (Yes, I AM a tricksy little hobbit.)

By convincing him that he is helping me rather than just getting pissed off that he is taking his own initiatives and getting himself in sticky situations that could have easily been avoided. He's almost three, basically as soon as they start moving around until common sense kicks in around the age of 25 (and that is being generous...) it's pretty much a miracle they don't off themselves accidentally by doing something stupid. 

At that particular point in time I felt it wasn't appropriate to stuff my kid in the corner of their apartment when we were 3 minutes away from putting him in the car, and then putting him to bed as soon as we get home. (rather than letting him dawdle and play for another 20-30 minutes once we did get home, which is what usually would have happened. Instead, I told Jake that I wasn't impressed with his inability to listen to me at his grandparents house and that he was going to bed A.S.A.P. as a result of it.) I don't think that "putting baby in the corner" would achieve much other than complaints from their neighbors with his crying.

Standing there letting him fuck around with the door, which was wide open into the hallway while he yodels his brains out because he's almost three, (and apparently the only setting my almost three year-old has at that particular moment in time is LOUD) isn't helping the situation. Removing him immediately from the scenario as a punishment IS effective.

My son knows my breaking point, and how far he can push me JUST from the tone of my voice. He's not a stupid kid, he's just almost three, and at the height of his terrible twos. I'm not giving him excuses, he just REALLY knows how to try to push my boundaries and when I've had enough. To sum it up, he knew he'd reached my limits and he was VERY complicit once we got home. He even walked to his bed himself, knowing I wasn't screwing around anymore.

Did I need to hear this suggestion at the height of my frustration with my kid acting up because he is tired and needs to go to bed-and I'm trying to get him the hell out of the apartment while "Please, no touching anything and moving it around where it doesn't belong, Jacob."-and to "Please keep your voice down, Jacob!" because my parents live in an apartment building and it's 8pm on a Sunday, we need to be considerate of others? Absolutely not. I broke down into tears, big, pathetic, girly tears, and not because I was sad but because I was completely overwhelmed.

Like seriously, tears, snot, yelling, cursing, everything... While I watched outside of myself in horror going "Stop! Stop! Lindsey, you are embarrassing yourself!" and I was mortified. I was angry and frustrated, and I hate my emotions sometimes. But I am human, and I can definitely be too sensitive to what people are saying to me. I know my faults, I know my weaknesses.

Sure, critique my parenting, or my personality, whatever you damned well please, just please find a time when I am not at my wits end, mortified that my kid is being a little terror, when I am tired and overwhelmed. If this is "caving in to my needs and only my needs, because everyone has an opinion and the right to voice it..." well then sure. Whatever works for you, but I will be frustrated with the lack of empathy I'm receiving, and you know what, you would be too!

I try SO freaking hard to be a good parent and find other methods of dealing with my son and his challenges, There are reasons why I read parenting forums and go to parenting seminars, There are reasons why I'm trying to be an empathetic parent, with actual interest in my child's development, and reasons that I am trying to learn ways to cope with my son and his stubbornness and sometime aggression.

You might not agree with my methods, but please note that I have relatively no problems dealing with my kid in one-on-one situations, and he actually (Okay, USUALLY...) listens to me. It's only when people do stuff that contradicts the methods I have been testing out by continuing the same-old-shit we've already tried and obviously DOESN'T work anymore, that we face real contention from Jake. It's a matter of being a unified front against desires that he has, I say no, Husband says no. I say yes, and husband says no for whatever reason he deems fit, then the answer is no. (And vice versa.) Punishment for certain behaviour is then routine, it's the same thing, until that eventually stops working. Because you damned well know that things are going to change again. I hope this phase lasts a little longer though, to be honest.

Things like a smack on the tush or may have worked when he was younger and didn't have the development that he does now, but they are not working now. It's time to adapt, and change tactics. There are times when it definitely feels like parenting is a Sisyphean task, I keep trying new ways and things keep pushing me down the same ways as before. I guess what doesn't kill me...

Maybe this is war. The thing is, that the "winners" in these series of battles is my son when he grows up with a sense of strong ethics, right and wrong, and myself and my family when we are proud of him for being the man he's grown up to be.

And I will be proud of him. I already am.

How To Be Alone

A poem by Tanya Davis. So beautiful.

Why Having a Toddler is Like Being at a Frat Party...

Grabbed this off of Shit My Kids Ruined. It's a great website that makes me laugh and cringe at the same time.


10. There are half-full, brightly-colored plastic cups on the floor in every room. Three are in the bathtub.

9. There’s always that one girl, bawling her eyes out in a corner.

8. It’s best not to assume that the person closest to you has any control over their digestive function.

7. You sneak off to the bathroom knowing that as soon as you sit down, someone’s going to start banging on the door.

6. Probably 80% of the stains on the furniture contain DNA.

5. You’ve got someone in your face at 3 a.m. looking for a drink.

4. There’s definitely going to be a fight.

3. You’re not sure whether anything you’re doing is right, you just hope it won’t get you arrested.

2. There are crumpled-up underpants everywhere.

1. You wake up wondering exactly how and when the person in bed with you got there.

Overheard: on Cars...

Jake: Sally loves McQueen.
Me: Ooooh! And does McQueen love Sally?
Jake: Yes!
Me: Are they gonna get married someday?
Jake: Naaaaah.
Me: Oh, so they're gonna live in sin?
Jake Nope, McQueen in the closet.
Me: Oh yeah? Him and Tow-Mater, huh?
Jake: Yep. In my bedroom.
Me: Boy, he likes 'em scruffy.

(Seriously, I did NOT make this up. Obviously Jake is taking me literally, as in McQueen actually physically LIVES in the closet, along with all his other toys, He also only has a Tow-Mater, and no Sally toy car... LOL!)

Spring Has Sprung!

After 3 glorious days of above 10 degrees Celsius, (one of them even had SUNSHINE!!) my garden is starting to go crazy! My lilies have grown almost 4 inches taller in one week, which to me is totally crazy! Of course, since I have a black thumb instead of green, and may have accidentally planted the tulip and daffodil bulbs in upside down, (Maybe? I had no instructions!!!) it kind of looks like a drunkard did my landscaping. Whatever... I am still excited to see lots of pretty colours decorating my front garden. Practice makes perfect, right?

All the birds are twitterpating, my ornamental cherry tree is beginning to bud leaves, the bugs are creepy crawling around, and I don't think the skunk who lives behind my garage somewhere really decided to hibernate at all this winter.

What makes YOU excited about spring time? For me it's definitely the warmer temperatures and seeing the world wake up a little bit more every day. I admit I'm an autumn girl because of the smells and colours, but the brightness of spring after a dull winter sure wakes my soul up!

On a completely unrelated note: it's super exciting to see the increase in web traffic being directed here from my tweeps and facebook page, so "Hi everybody!" I hope you're all having a great Friday night, and I am excited to see what potential S,M&C has in store!

Xox!

50 Things I Like About Myself...

This is a challenge given by my girlfriend Alli, to see if we could write 50 things about yourself that you like. Here are mine. Keep in mind this is things I like about myself, not always "positive" things but things I've learned to accept about my persona. I challenge YOU to write the same (you don't need to share it if you don't want to!) I found it to be a definite booster to my pretty ragged feeling self-esteem level today.

1. sense of humour.
2. the shape of my eyes.
3. my skin after I shower and shave my legs.
4. my writing style.
5. my handwriting.
6. my Intelligence.
7. that I am left handed.
8. when I'm genuinely entertained by something my laugh is awesome. Usually a cackle.
9. my ability to think logically sometimes.
10. my extensive vocabulary.
11. my ability to read anything quickly.
12. my physical strength.
13. how deeply I love my son.
14. the shape of my hands and my feet
15. that I still have faith in humanity, and seeing examples of humans doing amazing things makes me cry
16. My willingness to admit "I don't know the answer to that." and then to research and educate myself on it almost immediately.
17. that I like pretty much anything to do with music.
18. I can sleep anytime in the day.
19. I like my ability to be scandalized. This is a new development as this never used to happen 5 years ago.
20. that I have mellowed with age.
21. there is a healthy level of cynicism with my sense of humour.
22. that I can re-read books over and over again. One of my favourite things to do is get lost in a familiar story.
23. I like that I can swear like a sailor. My mother hates it but this isn't about her.
24. that I've learned definite lessons from my previous mistakes in life.
25. that I rarely blow dry/flat iron/do anything other than put my hair up in a ponytail. It's always in pretty good condition even a year in between haircuts.
26. that I am a brunette. I <3 brunettes.
27. my dated pop-culture knowledge. Yeah that's right, I can kick your ass at 80s and 90's trivial pursuit.
28. that if I had a choice I'd be 70% carnivore and 20% carbafarian, and the rest can (I guess) be vegetables. Yep. Veggies suck, but I eat them anyways. (and in a more balanced ratio.)
29. my love of nirvana, soundgarden and Pearl Jam. Most 90s music in general, actually.
30. my ability to USE common sense as well as possess it.
31. my ability to be 100% emotional instead of logical at times.
32. my absolutely mind-bendingly confusing methodology of arguing/fighting. LOL!
33. the fact that as I get older I am refusing more and more to deal with bullshit. My own included. I wish I'd been like this years ago.
34. I love that I LOVE diamonds.
35. my calves. I got my mom's gams.
36. my lips.
37. my honesty regarding my housekeeping, gardening and fish keeping abilities. I'm pretty shitty at all three.
38. despite the fact that I'm terrible at all three, I still try, try, try. I'm still shit at folding laundry though. Maybe because I hate it.
39. the fact that I am tolerant to a point about almost anything but when I reach that boiling point I put my foot down and it's no going back ever again.
40. my love of designer perfumes.
41. that I can be pretty deep and also superficial at the same time. It all depends on how well you know me as to how many levels you get to see.
42. my abilities with technology. I'm not to shoddy at doing most things on a computer/smartphone/etc.
43. that I can be really really sweet and supportive, or a real fucking bitch, depending on how you treat me.
44. that I am particular about my chocolate.
45. I do not drink very often.
46. I love that I can bring the house down at karaoke.
47. how anal I am about my itunes music library. It's organized within an inch of it's existence.
48. I am an excellent verbal communicator, but an even better written communicator.
49. I'm a good instructor/teacher/helper.
50. I'm a damned good cook and baker.

Ch-ch-ch-changes!!!

My son, the "emotional being..."

I spend 14-16 of my 24 hours per day in the company of my child, (the rest of the time he is sleeping.) because of this, I notice things pretty quickly about his development. Jake's newest thing, (other than his hugely expanding vocabulary) is that he's demonstrating some pretty complicated emotions for such a little human being, more than the usual toddler angry/happy/neutral/sad/frustrated which dominated his personality for the previous 2.5 years. The newest over the last 2 weeks or so has been the development of his "feelings." Ugh... Feelings.

For instance, he's consistently telling me he's "Sad" "Happy", "Missing" "I love"; though "Love" is still a pretty abstract concept at this point in time, he tells me he loves everything from his toothbrush to Grandma and Papa, his "toonies" (cartoons) to the colour of my shirt, etc., and "Sad" is usually when I tell him "No, Jake, You can't have more ice cream." Or "No, Jake, you can't stay up any longer, it's BED-TIME."

A light smack on the hand for touching something potentially dangerous, or a forceful "No!" when he's repeatedly whining for something results in tears and very obvious hurt feelings. Temper tantrums have taken on an entirely new level of Holy fuck! in magnitude because it's pretty apparent that he's overwhelmed when he's at that point of losing his noodle. Hey, I didn't say they were REFINED emotions, just that they were new. Haha! Truth be told, he's a bit of a Drama King.

Whereas before they were just vague concepts for him when I would use flash cards on my iPod to teach him the basics of human emotions and facial recognition for emotions, you can actually SEE that he's starting to grasp the intricacies of it all now.



I suppose his developing vocabulary over the last few months (He's speaking in mostly sentences and some paragraphs now.) has added another level of finesse and finagling in dealing with his emotional self for the hubz and I. Hooray for semantics. Surprisingly, even with this additional layer to my child's onion-like self, it's actually easier for me to deal with him now.

Easier how? Well, because of these emotional shifts in his brain, he bargains and reasons with us a lot better now that he's understanding the emotional side where we are coming from. It's pretty awesome actually! He's going to be a tender little thing though, I think.

Now, coming from being a tenderhearted individual myself growing up, I'm going to have to find ways to ensure that my son can still be sweet but develop a tough enough skin that things won't bother him quite so badly. At this point it's fine, but once he starts attending school, there will more than likely be problems with other children picking on him if they sense weakness or sensitivity in his character. Don't get me wrong, I don't want my sweetie to be jaded or rough, I just want him to be able to defuse situations without letting his sensitive emotional self getting overwrought. Perhaps humour will be his best defense...

Come to think of it, most of the big boys in my family are pretty humourous gents. You have no idea how relieved I am to know that along with his father, Jake has some pretty fucking excellent male role models to look up to. My dad, Uncles, and cousin are pretty fantastic men.

To help myself become a stronger, more confident parent, as well as nurturing the bond between my son and myself, I am attending a seminar this upcoming weekend on parenting/raising boys, by Barry MacDonald called "Mentoring Boys: To become Caring, Courageous and Ethical Men." It covers a lot of topics, but mainly, (at least, from my understanding; I'll have more to say on this after I've digested my learning from the weekend...) focuses on techniques of communication between parents and boys to raise them as caring and considerate members of society with good communication skills.

I'm really looking forward to seeing what I can learn and if it will work with Jake. Admittedly, it is aimed at boys ages 5-18, and since Jake falls below this threshold I'm not certain how useful it will be for me immediately, but I am sure (or at least sincerely hoping) that laying groundwork before then will be beneficial for Jake as well as the hubz and I.

God Help Me...

At this exact moment in time, I am pointedly ignoring my child on his 30,000,000th foray out of bed TONIGHT alone; before I lose my shit, everywhere.

This is his big game to play when I just want the day to be over, and please! please! please! Some peace and quiet.

It's not worth me losing my sanity if he chooses to fall asleep with the light on and on the floor. It isn't gonna hurt him, I guess... But it doesn't mean I have to like it!

Obviously the previous 30,000,000 attempts with everything from books, songs, cuddles, stuffies, you name it, have been good for nothing but frustration on my part and big laughs on his.

What a jerk.



**Post script addition**

After a lengthy time-out, and quite a few tears on my son's cheeks, he was snoring in bed at 1030pm. Ugh.

It's a Magical Mystery Tour...

In a conversation on the phone today with my friend Heather, (in a roundabout way of course) we started to discuss John Lennon, and in particular his son Julian Lennon (who btw, he was apparently a huge douchebag towards.) and Julian's mother Cynthia Lennon, where I read a quote about Cynthia and Yoko's relationship with each other. I'm just going to quote it here, copied and pasted directly from Wikipedia.

Ono's relationship with John Lennon's first wife, Cynthia Lennon remains strained. In her 2006 biography, John, (London: Hodder; U.S.: Crown Publishing) Cynthia Lennon portrays Ono as a selfish, spiteful woman. In the book, she describes learning about Ono's control over John (who referred to Ono as "mother") in the period in the mid-1970s when Ono chose May Pang to be John's companion. Cynthia hypothesizes that John had a "mother complex," allowing himself to be dominated by strong women and draws a parallel between his relationship with Ono and that with his domineering aunt Mimi Smith in childhood.^{[verification needed]}

Wait, I'm sorry... What? He referred to Yoko Ono as "Mother"? Really?! And he was banging her?

Think about that for a moment. "Mother."

Okay, I'm never going to be able to think of John Lennon in the same context ever again, I just have his lazy Liverpool accent running over and over in my head (with an echo no less!) saying "Oh, Mother!" and I feel like vomiting. John Lennon had an Oedipus complex, really?! With YOKO ONO. Eeeeewwwwwww.

Anyone that knows me well knows I married a man almost 16 years my senior. That's right, I'm 30, and my husband is 46. It's not something that I was actively looking for, I wasn't on the prowl for a hot silver fox or anything like that, he just happened to be the right person at the right time in my life, and things worked out for themselves. I'm sure people don't care, and judge me regardless. Whatever, it's my life not theirs..

I'm also pretty certain that everybody and their dog thinks I have an Oedipus complex of my own, but the truth is, it couldn't be any farther from the truth. I actually get really annoyed when Cliff tries to "daddy" me, (as in by trying to teach me or boss me around like I'm a kid) and if he asked me "Who's your daddy?" mid-coitus, I'd probably throw him off and make a wild dash for the nearest toilet to heave my dirty feelings away.

Cliff has more in common with my maternal grandfather (from what I know of him, I wasn't super close to him when he was alive) than my Dad anyways. both are flytyers, both avid fishermen, both love hockey and world war 1 and 2 history documentaries, both fall asleep on the couch after a long day at work and snort indignantly when I attempt to change the channel, saying "I was watching that!" when they and I both know they were sleeping.

And Hey!!! That doesn't mean I wanted to fuck my Grandpa, either.

I'll just stick with Harrison, since he was the quiet cute one in The Beatles.

Even if he does look like Spock in this picture.

Current music: Que Onda Guero - Beck
Album: Guero

A Rant About Parents...

Today, I went for a haircut in the early afternoon, while my cousin Sylvie watched Jake in the Mall play-centre as he ran about like a maniac, getting rid of his stir-crazies. My haircut turned out lovely, but afterward in the play centre, which is pure fun for my 2.5 year old, and the seventh level of hell for me. I'll explain why, but first I should say that I'm really, really angry inside about this. The language in this will reflect that. I'm absolutely furious.

Like I said, Jake is a little over 2.5 years old, but because of genetics, he's built like a freaking linebacker, he's almost three feet, six inches tall, and approximately 60 lbs in weight. He's a big boy. This is pretty much expected (given the size that the men in my family reach) my dad is six four and a half and about 240 lbs, Cliff is six three and about 190 lbs, though he's running a bit skinny lately probably around 160 at the moment from working so hard and not eating lunch or breakfast when he needs to be.

I have moments where I like to tear my hair out from frustration because I NEED to explain everything to Jacob in minute details, and as soon as I do that he will basically listen to everything I tell him to do, as long as he gets a reason for WHY he has to behave the way he needs to behave. I don't know if this is common for most parents, but this is common for him. He needs a reason to do what I tell him to do. In a way it's good that he questions authority for the sake of questioning, it's good that he needs a reason, I respect that about my son. As a matter of fact, I'm much the same way.

Jake is usually sweet, attentive and kind, but as all toddlers are, he's very curious, he likes to run around, and he's sometimes impatient as ALL 2.5 year olds are. Sometimes he's also not aware as to how strong he is despite regular reminders that he needs to slow down and make sure he's gentle, so occasionally when overexcited, he accidentally bowls over some miniscule toddler in the play center. I stop him, talk to him, bring him back to the little one and make him apologize. He ALWAYS says he's sorry, and it's always a genuine apology. On top of this I always make sure the little one is okay, and apologize to their parent(s) just to make sure there are no hard feelings. Some parents are not of the same opinion, Jake has been pushed by older, bigger Children in full line of sight of their parents and myself, and the parents ignore the fact that their kid just shoved someone quite a bit smaller than they are and ignore it. When Jake comes up to me with tears running down his face, his fun ruined, I have to explain that some kids are rude, and some parents are irresponsible.

Today neither of those events happened. Instead, today my son and I were subjected to "mommy scorn" from some stupid cunt with a superiority complex, in her Walmart special shirt, mommy jeans, scraggly haircut and barefoot, filthy, whining brats, (in the play center, YUCK! can you say foot fungus or warts! Eww.) Jake is social and friendly for the most part, so when the littlest of the girls came over to play on the smaller slide and Jake noticed she had no socks, he wanted a closer look at her feet. Whatever, yes, I totally think it's a little weird too, but he's curious, and he's 2.5. He asked me why she wasn't wearing any socks, and having no polite (and honest) answer, I just told him that her mommy didn't put any on her. Jake wanted to talk to her, so he trailed her around, and I guess she was shy, so she went over to her mom. This lady scooped up her kid and gave my son the DIRTIEST fucking look I've ever seen, just for being a regular kid. I had to go and pull him away a few times from wanting to talk to her daughter, and every time I looked up at this mother afterward she was shooting me the dirtiest looks imaginable, until I finally got so angry I had to take Jake and leave the play area in order to stop myself from giving the cunt a piece of my mind (or my fist) in front of small children. On national "anti-bully" day, (for whatever that is worth, it's obviously not accomplishing much.) this bitch was staring me down, making me feel bad about myself and making me feel bad for my child being curious and normal. Judging me. Judging Jake!

As most bullies are, she was too cowardly to actually SAY anything to me, and after I gave her a hard stare back, she decided that perhaps I wasn't the easiest target to talk shit about because she shut her mouth pretty quickly after flapping her gums about my son and I to the few mommies around her. What she said exactly I don't know, (and I don't really care, as I didn't do anything "wrong") Sure my kid may have had a bit of tummy showing from a t shirt that was unfortunately a little too small, (gee, thanks growth spurts) but he was happy, smiling and playing nicely with other children. At least he wasn't wandering around contracting foot fungus/diseases because I was too lazy to put socks on him and protect him instead of not giving a shit about the rules of the playground, or stuffing fingers that had wiped all over germ covered surfaces into his mouth and sucking on them like her daughter was doing.

In all honesty, I can totally understand why my mom didn't really associate with other moms, and didn't participate in the big family events that happened with schools, because if this is just a taste of my future dealing with bitches like this, I'm just not going to have many mommy friends at Jake's school. I don't have time for the posturing, the bullshit, the competimom/helicopter parenting/"super"- mom shit that goes on. No fucking thank-you. I have better things to do with my time than feel bad because someone else wants to make themselves feel superior.

To all those parents that try to make other parents feel less because they THINK they are doing a better job, Go screw yourselves. Hard. Also, go take a headlong tumble into reality-ville. My kid is happy, healthy, generous, sweet, funny, well mannered (for the most part) and smarter than you'll ever know, because you decided to judge him before you even knew him, based on something insignificant. I would NEVER make you feel bad about your child, why would you feel it's necessary to make me feel bad about mine? If you don't like what I'm doing, don't stick your nose in my fucking business, and save tossing your rocks at me for when you don't live in a shittier glass house than I do.

I fucking hate people.