The Letter Inside...

A Legit, hard-core chubby chaser tried to randomly add me on Facebook from a comment on a 9gag post I made, God knows when. I know this because he messaged me (since I have it set to only friends of friends can send me requests.) His email has been in my "other" folder for almost a month, I never bother to check it. 

His public profile is littered with a variety of pornographic BBW and Fat women page likes and images of fanart. His "Nickname" or "other" name is something fairly pornographic as well. And let's be honest... Usually there's only 1 reason randos add you on FB.

#1 I'm married, not looking, and not even interested in looking.

#2. I am 35 years old. Just... NO. I am way too old for this shit.

#3. Why are you approaching grown women with that kind of behaviour? It reeks of desperation. GO into chat rooms with amiable women who are interested in being treated like objects.

#4. I don't mind being thought of as attractive, because I know I am pretty; and truthfully it doesn't even matter to me that others find me attractive. My self-worth is not tied to my body, or how people see it and react to it. It took me a long, long time to get to this point, and I slip up occasionally, but my do not give a fuck level for what other people think of my body is at a point where *I* am content with it. I care about how I look to ME. My body is a work in progress, it's something I am in constant negotiations with. It's something I am learning to love, and something I am working on every day.

However, I have another opinion entirely on being fetishized because I am a fat person. I am not my fat. I am not my belly and tits and thighs. I just happen to have them. That's all. That shit is dehumanizing and completely 100% unattractive. BEING fetishized DOES make me feel bad about my body, because I know I am so much more than my flesh envelope. 

I am the letter inside.

Alert! Alert!

Just an FYI, as of March 4th I'll be operating under spitemaliceandcupcakes.blogspot.com so update your bookmarks (ha!) and RSS feeds. There's no point in me paying for a URL when I don't post enough to justify the 15 dollars a year for it. 

To clarify: SM&C will still be up, just not on it's own domain name anymore. xoxox

Overheard: Conversations With My Five Year Old...

My husband is working this weekend, and I've spent the last 2 days taking care of a sick little boy, who has a pretty hard core cold.

Jake: Hey mom, you know what's better than Lasagna?
Me: What darlin'?
Jake: Love.
Me: Love is indeed better than lasagna, my dear heart.

Less than 5 minutes later during a chat:

Jake: Hey Mom, when you die...
Me: ...Huh?
J: When you die, I will keep your heart in a jar. Shaped like a heart. On the mantle.
Me: (In my head) *What the actual fuck?* (out loud) Oh...

Ten minutes later:

Jake: (Showing me toys he's playing with) "This is the Daddy, and this is the son, but there is no mommy, because she's dead.
Me: Dude! What's up with the general theme of "dead mom" you have going on here? I am getting concerned...
J: Muah-ha-ha-ha!
Me: Very funny.

Worst Kinder Surprise Toy Ever...

So, today My darling son decided against better notions swimming in his brain to stand on the arm of the leather chair we have in our living room. Despite being told multiple times that it is not acceptable behaviour, he aspired to climb Mount Crapchair.

His foot slipped and he did what can only be described as the most spectacular accidental ass over teakettle/cartwheel I have ever seen in my life, where all I saw was his round little legs sticking up (followed by his head popping up) and then that horrible "OH MY GAHHHHH I AM INJURED!" scream as he scraped his rib cage against the corner of the piano bench I use to store my embroidery stuff in, and also as a side table. At the time he was so mortified, being the sensitive cancer sign child he is, and in pain he refused to even let me look at it. (Definitely my child. This is classic "me" behaviour when I have hurt myself. Howling savage wolf mode.) I asked him several times if he was ok only to be replied to with "DON'T TALK TO ME, I AM EMBARRASSED!"

Well then... Fair enough, if he had the tenacity and awareness to vocalize his emotions, then really, he's probably ok.

Me: "baby, I will hug you later if you want."
J: "ok maybe later. I'm cool."

And really, he seemed fine. 10 minutes later he was running, jumping and rolling. I honestly forgot it happened. Until bath time. Hubby stripped the t shirt off and I all heard was a gasp and "Oh my god! Son! What did you do to yourself today?"
Me: "Oh yeah! It was crazy! I forgot to tell you!"
Hubby: *glares at me*
J: "Daddy I did a big bail off the chair. I wouldn't let mommy see."

He's now sporting the most massive hematoma bruise I have ever seen on his torso, compounded by the fact that he makes milk jealous with his skin tone, this looks doubly horrifying. I think the only thing that stopped him from popping a rib was the fact that he is... Ahem... Rather well padded... Ok, the kid is round.

My hubby who is certified St. John level 2 first aid, and I (merely a concerned mommy level first aid) did a listen of a multitude of deep, full breaths ("J, babe, you need to exhale too...") and poked and prodded around the bruise and he is fine. No screams, He has full range of movement and the only reason we knew he even had the bruise was because he was stripped down for his bath. Surprise!

Worst Kinder surprise toy ever.

So chalk up one for being fat. Or flexible. Or perhaps both. It saved us all a trip to emergency.

Of course it doesn't mean I haven't checked in on him four times so far since he's gone to bed. He may be one tough cookie but he's still my baby.

Fuck Cancer...

                    Ok... Breathe... Annnnd, go!

So over the past couple of weeks I have been in and out of various medical facilities getting poked, prodded and pummelled by x-rays, ultrasounds, ct scans and the like.

On Friday, March 1st, I got my official results from my urologist and I have a very controllable form of renal cell carcinoma (aka. kidney cancer.) I have a 1.9 by 2.2 inch solid malignant tumor in my upper right kidney. I go in for a radical nephrectomy (full kidney removal) on April 2nd.

Fast. Track. Time. Bitches.

See the bow? Yeah, right there. That's roughly where my tumor is.
Also please note, image courtesy of (nsfw) thefagcasanova.wordpress.com

I post not for sympathy but explanation, if I seem loopy and or depressed I am very overwhelmed and frustrated at times. My surgeon told me "you have cancer, I'm going to get it out of you" and very little else... While he is a spectacular surgeon, I am the type of person that can handle and requires all I formation possible to know what's going down in kidney town. I found this website from the kidney cancer society.

I am having an open, partial to full nephrectomy depending on how large my tumor is, and if it has effected my adrenal gland. The website explains effectively and in a matter of fact manner what I should expect or hope for in my surgery. It is the best resource I have found.

I could potentially have to have a few ribs, surrounding adipose fat, kidney and adrenal gland removed (depending on metastasis) but my doctor estimates I am between stage 1 and possibly stage 2. I have approximately 25 days until I go under the knife.

Compounded with my normal anxiety problems hearing a doctor tell me "you have cancer" is hard. I'm taking Ativan in small doses during the day to manage my panic/anxiety and am usually able to wave off the "Holy fuck!!!" Factor pretty well but I falter sometimes. Over the last 2 weeks I have managed to deal with my panic and anxiety naturally for the most part.

Entertainingly enough, my inner freak out/panic voice sounds very much like the Chicken lady from Kids In The Hall skits. I do a minor amount of navel gazing which is permissible, no one is happy 100% of the time... But, I am doing my best.

I have moderate discomfort usually when trying to sleep, where my back aches and twinges on my right side below my shoulder blade, and my ribs ache, sometimes quite badly. It is getting steadily worse and definitely affecting my sleep patterns. Once I out I am OUT, but it takes several hours to get to that point.

90% of the time so far I have been OK., since I know I am one of the lucky few that has a fairly controllable and curable form of cancer; (barring metastasis) but it is still cancer, and I have never had major surgery in my lifetime.

I'm more nervous about the surgery than the cancer since I know it's not metastasised outside of my kidney. Life is going to be full of huge change in a relatively short period of time and I am flexible, but not quite that quickly, lol!

I am coming to terms with the fact that I more than likely will not be having another baby, which sent me into a sadness funk for a few days and I am still getting over that hump. I've been saving my sons baby clothes and crib, stroller, etc., anticipating having a sibling for him, but given my husbands age and how I recover from my surgery and potentially after treatment if required (chemotherapy, radiation therapy...) and the year it will take for my body to recuperate from major abdominal surgery... It doesn't look like baby #2 is going to happen. So now I have all this baby shit cluttering up my storage areas, and a sad spot in my soul knowing that my sweet young man will never be my wee baby again. Oh well. He is wonderful and at least I have him.

Anyway, that's the scoop, peeps. Pretty heavy, no?

Also it should be stated as loudly from the rooftops as possible, "Fuck you cancer, you won't get the best of me!"

2012 in review... dos sequel.

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
I learned how to use a sewing machine properly, and actually cared about how to use it LOL! Grade eight home ec. didn't quite cut it for me. I made curtains, 3 quilts, hemmed a dozen pairs of pants, 2 halloween costumes (one for the boy, one for my cousin). 

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
last year, I decided to not play the addictive yet inane "Farmville" I quit on New Years day, and stopped entirely. I tried to start it again just because I was bored one evening, but got so frustrated with the amount of "work" required to "grow" virtual plants I blocked it within an hour. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No one this year, hopefully me in 2013. (No, I'm not pregnant yet but we're working on it!)

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My Husband's step-son passed away in a tragic accident while camping this Summer. It was very hard on him.

5. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
Things will be changing quite a lot this year, as it's the first year my son goes to school in September. 

6. What countries did you visit?
I stayed in Canada this year.

7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:
No specific dates, per say... The adoption of our kitty, Sir George of Ginger, my son's 4th birthday, My cousin's luau themed birthday party at my house, the hubby's niece getting married, our annual camping trip with family friends, and our 2nd Wedding Anniversary date all were fun! This summer was busy and enjoyable!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I kicked 3 items off of my bucket list, and I'm working on my 4th.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I can't pinpoint any particular thing that screams overwhelming failure. A failed friendship with an old friend would be probably the biggest failure of 2012.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I fainted this summer and bonked my head on the patio from the pain of landing wrong on my foot and twisting my ankle. It was extremely surreal, I had visions when I fainted!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My Ipad! I love it!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Jake. the same as last year! He's gone from my argumentative three year old to an incessantly creative 4! 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
A friend, who unfortunately is no longer a friend.

14. Where did most of your money go?
household things. 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The Richmond Night Market with my cuz, which is a yearly ritual with us. Having a paycheque for the first time in years! I did babysitting over the summer and  got to spend it on whatever I wanted.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Psy- Gangnam Style!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Much happier!

ii. thinner or fatter? probably fatter. possibly about the same. I don't own a scale in my house.
iii. richer or poorer? richer.

Okay, Meme, let me take a stab at that:

i) more or less like Justin Beaver - Uhh... I couldn't give two shiny shits and a brass knuckle.
ii) more or less likely to decide inanimate objects looked like boobs - Everyone loves tits.
iii) more or less likely to watch Glee – I'll watch this season, though it's pretty abysmal.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
More activities with Jake, we did skating lessons and this spring we will be doing swimming lessons.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Sitting on my big fat ass, stuffing my gob. LOL!

20. How will you be spending/how did you spend Christmas?
At my home. With my cousins, parents and my guys.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
I rekindled my romance with my husband. Things are better. Much better.

22. How many one-night stands? 
What is sex? I forget.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
I rewatched the entirety of Red Dwarf (bbc) on Netflix over the course of a month or so. 10 seasons! It was great.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.

25. What was the best book you read?
Divergent and Insurgent by Veronica Roth, Graceling, Bitterblue and Fire by Kristen Cashore was excellent. 50 shades of Grey was ok,  but nothing to reread. The Mistborn Trilogy by Brandon Sanderson was fantaaaastic, The Hunger Games Trilogy was awesome, I also reread the Ender's game series Both the Speaker for the Dead spinoffs and the Ender's shadow spinoffs.  My sister-in-law leant me The Host by Stephanie Meyer and that was enjoyable too. I read it in about two days. There was a lot of reading this year. I tried to get into the Nicholas Flamel Alchemyst series, but I just didn't dig it all that much. I got the first three books cheapie on Amazon.ca, and I think I got halfway through the second book before I decided it was dull. The Birthmarked trilogy by Caragh M. O'Brian was excellent as well. Most of them are Y/A novels, but still enjoyable to me. I don't like "heavy" books, these were reasonably well written and gave me some adventure to enjoy. I do dig dystopian society novels.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
My favourite musician, Fiona Apple released a new album this year. I was in heaven.

27. What did you want and get?
My Ipad!

28. What was your favourite film of this year?
The Avengers, Madagascar 3, The Hobbit. Napoleon Dynamite is a recurring favourite. It might not be "new" but it's always enjoyed. Magic Mike was great eye candy but the movie -unfortunately- blows. Ah well, at least I got to see a nude, golden Joe Manganiello!

That sucked. I'm going to make up a new question:

a) Where are your pants?
on my fat, fat ass.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 32. I can't remember what I did for my actual birthday, but I know that two of my cousins and a good girlfriend took me out to one of those private Korean karaoke room rental places where we sang our little hearts out, and put the soft-core porn background on to throw each other off during songs. It was awesome. Especially during Disney princess songs.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More cowbell?

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Leaps and bounds improved. comfortable and stylish. I feel new!

34. What kept you sane?
My friends. Sylvie and our late night jaunts to Walmart, or to go to the theatres, or just chatty visits after Jake was in bed.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Mmmmm. Joe Manganiello! Delicious, beardy, muscly goodness. 

Oh. My. God. (To my husband: I love you, honey.)

Joe Manganiello. Phwoar! The only Celebrity crush I've had since I was 13 and obsessed with Jonathan Brandis. (RIP, JB.)
  


36. What political issue stirred you the most?
obviously the Obama/Romney Election. I was pretty vocal about the Enbridge Northern Gateway pipeline through northern British Columbia. Which, in my humble opinion, is a complete disaster waiting to happen.

37. Who did you miss?
Rebecca.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Ugh, the pressure! Everybody that wasn't douchey?

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012:
Nothing happens unless you're proactive. You'll never know what you can do if you don't try. 

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Uh... No.

Overheard: Kitty Deluxe...

Cat: Oh Hai! You wanted to sleep, so I knocked over something loud and suspicious sounding downstairs while you were drifting off, then meowed pitifully a few times so you thought it was squishing me - Even though I'm totally fine and just wanted you to get up and play, play, play! Also, I'm going to wind my body in figure eights around your ankles while you try to find out what mystery item I sent careening to the ground. Especially while your trying to walk down the stairs! (You'll never find out what it was though, its a MYSTERY SURPRISE!) I hope you don't mind! Me-wow! I'm your adorable Kitty! Hey can I have some food?

Me: *sigh* ...Cat.

What Does The Future Hold?

The end of June brought my son turning four into our lives. This year will be big changes for both of us, as I've been lucky enough to be a stay-at-home-Mom for the last four years. 

I was hoping I'd be Mommy to two at this point but have told my hubby that if I'm not knocked up by 2013, I'm not having another baby. My son will be turning five and going into full-day kindergarten and I'll have the time to turn my attentions to myself again. At least while he is in school.

I'm honestly at a loss.

There are a few careers I've been looking into, but nothing that strikes me as fascinating other than becoming a certified GIA appraiser for jewellery and gemstones. The options to do that job are quite varied, from working in a jewellery store, doing private appraisals of jewellery and gemstones in private residences or via jewellery clinics, to examining gems either lab or naturally created in a private lab setting. (and after 10 years of working with customers prior to having Jake, I'm a bit burnt out of working with the general populace.)

What would you choose if faced with an option for a complete change of career? What's your dream job?

One Word At A Time...

TYPE ONLY 1 WORD (with the exception of 34,35,37)... IT'S HARDER THAN YOU THINK!!!

1. Where is your cell phone? N/a.
02. Your significant other? Sleeping.
03. Your hair? Curly. (!?)
04. Your mother? Sweet.
05. Your father? Adorkable.
06. Your favorite thing? family.
07. Your dream last night? Bizarre.
08. Your favorite drink? Frapp
09. Your dream/goal? RICH!!!
10. The room you're in? Bedroom.
11. Your fear? Alone.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Rich!!
13. Where were you last night? home.
14. What you're not? perfect.
15. Muffins? Chippy!
16. One of your wish list items? Ipad2.
17. Where you grew up? BC
18. The last thing you did? Eyebrows.
19. What are you wearing? Jammies.
20. Your TV? off!
21. Your pet? Jake. LOL!
22. Your computer? Off.
23. Your life? Still.
24. Your mood? Sleepy.
25. Missing someone? Cliffy.
26. Your car/truck? Green.
27. Something you're not wearing? socks.
28. Favorite Store? Book
29. Summer? Sure!
30. Favorite color? Orange
31. When is the last time you laughed? Today.
32. Last time you cried? Today.
33. Who will re-post this? Dunno?
34. Four places I go over and over? Kitchen, sewing room, shower, living room.
35. Four people who e-mail me: who cares, I never check it.
36. Four Places I would rather be right now: Hawaii, Mexico, Victoria, Scotland.
37. Four people I think will respond: dunno!
38. Favorite Restaurant: Earls. (Yum.)
39. Favorite Word: Penitent. (weird huh?!)
40. Favorite Bar/Dance Club: n/a.

Too Sexy For This...

J: Mommy I want hotgirl videos. (on my iPod)
Me: You want what?! You're THREE!
J: Hotgirl videos. (Obviously having troubles with his pronunciation.)
Me: Say it again. Slowly.
J: Hawk. Girl. Videos.
Me: Hawk girl?
J: YES!
Me: Thank God.

(A few minutes later...)

J: Daddy, Mommy found me hotgirl videos.
Cliff: That's my boy!
Me: Jeez, Cliff! He's 3! And it's HAWK GIRL, not "Hot Girl".
Cliff: Oh...That's nice, son.
Me: Nice...

Overheard: My Handy Helper...

I give Jake a glass and two small bowls from snack time to take into the kitchen to put into the sink as we are finishing tidying up the living room. All the sudden I hear the garbage can lid opening.

Me: Jake! What are you doing?!

J: *pause* Um... Putting the cup in the garbage?

Me: WHY???

J: That's what you told me to do?

Me: No, I didn't. I said put them in the sink. Yikes! I just bought those glasses, dude.

J: Ooops!

I wonder how many cups/bowls/plates he's thrown into the garbage since he's started helping me clean the house?

Bored = Using My Scraps!

Waste not, want not?

I did up a bib for my friends Kristine and Chris's little girl, Lily-Anna, she's going to be teething really soon so you know the drool is going to start and not stop for a few months, and then after that it's solid foods. It's all quilting cottons and cotton batting, so it should absorb nicely, I did the closure with Velcro, and it seems to do the trick quite nicely. I actually used one of Jake's old bibs as a template, and it seemed to work just fine.

The front, the binding took longer than the cutting
and quilting itself. All those curves are a pain in the butt!

The back, note the little heart in the middle!

 After that, I still had a lot of energy left, and wanted to try out applique for the first time, it's sloppy, and I don't have any waxed freezer paper to do nice sharp applique's but the sharp angles on the flowers make me  happy to be honest. I liked the geometricity of it all. (If that's not a word, it is now!) I like the kitschy 70s colours, and really it was all an experiment, anyways. It's small, only approximately 10 inches high by 12 inches wide, and I could probably attach loops in the back to make it a tiny little wall hanging or something if I felt the desire to do so. I don't think my technique could stand up to much washing in the machine anyways.

I'll be picking up one of those teeny handheld irons and a roll of freezer paper to try out other techniques that I've seen online. I did a double trip around each piece with a blanket style stitch around the pieces, and I liked the definition that the stitching ended up doing.

applique, babay!

I hand quilted the outlines of the petals and outlined each flower, stalk and leaf, as well as did the corners of the binding where my machine decided that it was too hard to get through. I also broke my first machine needle, (almost on my left index fingertip, a close call!) after that I decided to hand sew the rest of the corners. To be honest, once I got into the rhythm of it, It was nice to sit in the quiet living room and just sew with the TV off after my son had gone to sleep and hubby was having a snuggle with him. I'd taken the liberty of escaping downstairs after dinner to ease the sewing craving. The rest was machine quilted with straight stitches and my favourite little bowtie stitch which is just adorable and I find an excuse to use it in everything if I can get away with it. It's on every single piece I've done so far since I got my new machine.

Making Something for Myself!

Though it definitely gets used by the rest of the household! Hah!

Upon some advice before I started to make a bunch of quilts as various presents to family and friends, it was suggested to me to do up a quilt of my own for myself (and of course a matching pillow slip for my snuggling needs! Off to fabricland I went with my most amazing cousin, and bought myself some 13 meters of fabric, a selection of five from the same family of prints, and then some batiks that will be used in another project of some sort, perhaps a lap blanket for my girlfriend or just put into my beginners fabric stash!

the back of the pillow, it is a slipcover,
binding exactly like the quilt.

front of the pillow, matching to some extent the
quilt. The squares are 4 inch.

top of the quilt - yellows are off it's more a creamy tone than bright yellow,
finished quilt size is approximately 65 by 80.

the back of the quilt, I had to find a creative way to back it.
 I split the black lengthwise and then used the blocks and strips of the
same fabric colours that I used in the top panel.

Anyways, the "pattern" was very simple, just four block squares, alternating the floral pattern, I "stitched in the ditch" for the majority of the quilting as I'm quite the beginner, on my brand new Brother SQ9050 sewing machine that my hubby got me for Valentines day!

Why hello there, beautiful... Are you staying for a while?

yes I quilted the bejesus out of this test of batting
and previous fabric from Jake's quilt

In the end I'm glad I made something for myself first, before I tried to tackle a queen size bedspread, (a wedding present for my hubby's niece.) as I made quite a few mistakes (since fixed) I was apparently using the wrong foot, and when stitching up the back of the quilt there were quite a few sections where I had to go over the seams. Unfortunately this happened after I had basted and quilted the entire thing, so creativity was required in correcting the problem.  I have yet to run it through the washing machine after I finished it, so hopefully it doesn't result in an explosion of batting in my washing machine. :s

Overheard: Stormy Weather...

Jake: Mommy, can we go outside if we wear sweaters?

Me: No, not today buddy  It's an inside day. it's stormy outside.

Jake: It's not stormy! I don't see any lightening, or hear thunder! (:O Cheeky bugger!)

Me: Nope, It's a wind storm. you'd blow away into the sky like a kite! Aaaaah! *pretends her hand is him flying into the sky.*

Jake: *looks at me for a minute, shocked. Then smiles and shakes his head.* No mommy, you're just joking me.

Me: A little bit, buddy. you could get knocked on your bum though.

Not Sexy and I Know It...

LMFAO: Wiggle,wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, Uh....

Me: Oh my GOD what did I do to myself!? My ass!!! Ow, Ow!

(Me dancing to Sexy And I Know It by LMFAO while cleaning my kitchen this morning...)