Ok... Breathe... Annnnd, go!
So over the past couple of weeks I have been in and out of various medical facilities getting poked, prodded and pummelled by x-rays, ultrasounds, ct scans and the like.
On Friday, March 1st, I got my official results from my urologist and I have a very controllable form of renal cell carcinoma (aka. kidney cancer.) I have a 1.9 by 2.2 inch solid malignant tumor in my upper right kidney. I go in for a radical nephrectomy (full kidney removal) on April 2nd.
Fast. Track. Time. Bitches.
|See the bow? Yeah, right there. That's roughly where my tumor is. |
Also please note, image courtesy of (nsfw) thefagcasanova.wordpress.com
I post not for sympathy but explanation, if I seem loopy and or depressed I am very overwhelmed and frustrated at times. My surgeon told me "you have cancer, I'm going to get it out of you" and very little else... While he is a spectacular surgeon, I am the type of person that can handle and requires all I formation possible to know what's going down in kidney town. I found this website from the kidney cancer society.
I am having an open, partial to full nephrectomy depending on how large my tumor is, and if it has effected my adrenal gland. The website explains effectively and in a matter of fact manner what I should expect or hope for in my surgery. It is the best resource I have found.
I could potentially have to have a few ribs, surrounding adipose fat, kidney and adrenal gland removed (depending on metastasis) but my doctor estimates I am between stage 1 and possibly stage 2. I have approximately 25 days until I go under the knife.
Compounded with my normal anxiety problems hearing a doctor tell me "you have cancer" is hard. I'm taking Ativan in small doses during the day to manage my panic/anxiety and am usually able to wave off the "Holy fuck!!!" Factor pretty well but I falter sometimes. Over the last 2 weeks I have managed to deal with my panic and anxiety naturally for the most part.
Entertainingly enough, my inner freak out/panic voice sounds very much like the Chicken lady from Kids In The Hall skits. I do a minor amount of navel gazing which is permissible, no one is happy 100% of the time... But, I am doing my best.
I have moderate discomfort usually when trying to sleep, where my back aches and twinges on my right side below my shoulder blade, and my ribs ache, sometimes quite badly. It is getting steadily worse and definitely affecting my sleep patterns. Once I out I am OUT, but it takes several hours to get to that point.
90% of the time so far I have been OK., since I know I am one of the lucky few that has a fairly controllable and curable form of cancer; (barring metastasis) but it is still cancer, and I have never had major surgery in my lifetime.
I'm more nervous about the surgery than the cancer since I know it's not metastasised outside of my kidney. Life is going to be full of huge change in a relatively short period of time and I am flexible, but not quite that quickly, lol!
I am coming to terms with the fact that I more than likely will not be having another baby, which sent me into a sadness funk for a few days and I am still getting over that hump. I've been saving my sons baby clothes and crib, stroller, etc., anticipating having a sibling for him, but given my husbands age and how I recover from my surgery and potentially after treatment if required (chemotherapy, radiation therapy...) and the year it will take for my body to recuperate from major abdominal surgery... It doesn't look like baby #2 is going to happen. So now I have all this baby shit cluttering up my storage areas, and a sad spot in my soul knowing that my sweet young man will never be my wee baby again. Oh well. He is wonderful and at least I have him.
Anyway, that's the scoop, peeps. Pretty heavy, no?
Also it should be stated as loudly from the rooftops as possible, "Fuck you cancer, you won't get the best of me!"