A Legit, hard-core chubby chaser tried to randomly add me on Facebook from a comment on a 9gag post I made, God knows when. I know this because he messaged me (since I have it set to only friends of friends can send me requests.) His email has been in my "other" folder for almost a month, I never bother to check it.
His public profile is littered with a variety of pornographic BBW and Fat women page likes and images of fanart. His "Nickname" or "other" name is something fairly pornographic as well. And let's be honest... Usually there's only 1 reason randos add you on FB.
#1 I'm married, not looking, and not even interested in looking.
#2. I am 35 years old. Just... NO. I am way too old for this shit.
#3. Why are you approaching grown women with that kind of behaviour? It reeks of desperation. GO into chat rooms with amiable women who are interested in being treated like objects.
#4. I don't mind being thought of as attractive, because I know I am pretty; and truthfully it doesn't even matter to me that others find me attractive. My self-worth is not tied to my body, or how people see it and react to it. It took me a long, long time to get to this point, and I slip up occasionally, but my do not give a fuck level for what other people think of my body is at a point where *I* am content with it. I care about how I look to ME. My body is a work in progress, it's something I am in constant negotiations with. It's something I am learning to love, and something I am working on every day.
However, I have another opinion entirely on being fetishized because I am a fat person. I am not my fat. I am not my belly and tits and thighs. I just happen to have them. That's all. That shit is dehumanizing and completely 100% unattractive. BEING fetishized DOES make me feel bad about my body, because I know I am so much more than my flesh envelope.
The end of June brought my son turning four into our lives. This year will be big changes for both of us, as I've been lucky enough to be a stay-at-home-Mom for the last four years.
I was hoping I'd be Mommy to two at this point but have told my hubby that if I'm not knocked up by 2013, I'm not having another baby. My son will be turning five and going into full-day kindergarten and I'll have the time to turn my attentions to myself again. At least while he is in school.
I'm honestly at a loss.
There are a few careers I've been looking into, but nothing that strikes me as fascinating other than becoming a certified GIA appraiser for jewellery and gemstones. The options to do that job are quite varied, from working in a jewellery store, doing private appraisals of jewellery and gemstones in private residences or via jewellery clinics, to examining gems either lab or naturally created in a private lab setting. (and after 10 years of working with customers prior to having Jake, I'm a bit burnt out of working with the general populace.)
What would you choose if faced with an option for a complete change of career? What's your dream job?
One item at a time. I decided to be less passive this year and more agressive at attaining my own goals. Afterall, if I won't chase my own dragon, than who will?
Item one on my "Bucket List" was completed last weekend, my auntie came over for the weekend and taught me how to sew a quilt. She helped me set up our spare room in our basement as a hobby/sewing room for me, she generously contributed the 5" squares for the topper and helped me pick out the other items I'd need, as well as setting me up with the basics for what I'd need to make more, which is definitely in the works, and sets me up nicely for number 2 on my list.
Action shot!
Do you think he likes it?
with it's matching pillow, in my sewing room.
Napping Daddy approved, though quite short for someone who is 6' 3"tall! LOL!
Item number 2 is to make more quilts if I was any good at making the first, (which I seemed to do tolerably well, it's a cute blanket!) and I decided to make a matching pillow for the original quilt, I had enough squares left over and enough backing and quilt batting to do more. So sew I shall!
Other items on my Bucket list are:
Going to Scotland for a few weeks (Hubby and I agreed this would be our 10 year anniversary present! He wants to fish the river Spey, I want to go wandering around in castles wearing cable knit sweaters!)
Getting a large piece tattoo done from mid thigh to the top of my foot (a peacock)
Getting my drivers license (32 this year and I still can't drive, what a joke!)
Getting my passport.
Going to Mexico.
Achieving and maintaining a healthy body weight.
Professionally publish some of my writing.
Creating something with pottery/clay, perhaps taking a class at a local college.
And many more items, but all of them achievable. Some are mundane, some are extraordinary and will require a lot of planning and forethought, but it's not the intensity and difficulty level of these things That is the point, it's the journey that is life from start to finish. I want to be able to be there on my death bed, whenever that is, and not have regrets that I didn't do the things I wanted to do in my life.
I'll probably write more posts about my bucket list items. What are some of your life goals?
1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
I registered a URL for a blog. This is the first time I've ever owned a website. Kinda neat, but sad that at the same time this is all I can think of for firsts. Maybe our first family photoshoot, or my first wedding anniversary.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
In the past 4 years I have flat out refused to do any sort of New Years Resolution, my NYR's are started before the 1st of January, (or at least planned out) or started sometime in March. This year is something different, and I quite honestly feel like I am wasting my borrowed time on this earth. I'm singularly unhealthy, both weight and physically, you can see it in my skin, in my bodyshape, and in the way I feel inside. It's crackdown time, but it's not necessarily a "New Years Resolution". It's a necessity resolution to myself so I don't fucking kill myself from my own stupidity. Also I'm hoping to lose 50lbs by August. We'll see. I just have to stick to it.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yep, my cousin's and his fiancee had a very handsome little lad, and my friends Kristine and Chris had a lovely little miss who I got to snuggle at less than a day old. Squee!
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope, not this year... At least I don't think so?
5. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Confidence in my body.
6. What countries did you visit?
I stayed in Canada this year.
7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:
My first anniversary.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Nothing I can definitively answer this year. How depressing.
9. What was your biggest failure?
The lack of achievement in 2011. I was very "overwhelmed" and depressed all year long. Time to put on my big girl panties and deal! Also, I accidentally washed my kids' ipod touch in the washing machine. There was a lot of cursing happening in the laundry room while I scalded the shit out of my arms/hands searching frantically for it in the screaming hot water and sheets.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing major. A couple of colds. I suppose crippling anxiety at parts in my year would classify as an illness.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My 4th gen, 64gb ipod touch. Technically my husband bought it for me, for Mother's day/birthday gift.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Jake. The leaps and bounds he's made in development, both attitude wise and vocabulary and mental developmentally is amazing. He amazes me every day.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine.
14. Where did most of your money go?
I don't have an income. Ask my husband.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Glee, which dammit, has been VERY disappointing both season 2 and the beginning of season 3.
16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Adele - One and Only.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Sadder, however, more determined than ever to smarten this life of mine around.
ii. thinner or fatter? Ugh, Fatter, is my guess. iii. richer or poorer? I'm not the moneybags.
Okay, Meme, let me take a stab at that:
i) more or less like Justin Beaver - Uhh... I couldn't give two shiny shits and a brass knuckle. ii) more or less likely to decide inanimate objects looked like boobs - Everyone loves tits. iii) more or less likely to watch Glee – About the same, but if it's true that C. Colfer and Lea Michelle are leaving after this season, it will def. be my last. This season is awful so far.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
More shit outside my house. Somewhere in the last couple of years I became reclusive to the point of ridiculous. This is completely out of character for me, and not a good example for my son.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Sitting on my big fat ass, stuffing my gob. LOL!
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
At home. With my cousins and my guys.
21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
No. I'm feeling particularly jaded.
22. How many one-night stands?
What is sex? I forget.
23. What was your favorite TV program?
Big Bang Theory, which was a marathon of all 5 seasons in a week, this summer it was True Blood on HBO. I don't really watch more than that. Glee... well... That's been covered already.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope.
25. What was the best book you read?
I enjoyed Jacqueline Carey's newest spinoff of the Kushiel's dart series (Nama'ah's kiss, curse etc...) and I just finished reading the four books Cliff got me for Christmas, (4 books in five days, Yeah it's sick...) by JR Ward, the Fallen angel series: Covet, Crave and Envy. They were enjoyable and a nice spinoff of the Black Dagger Brotherhood series that she writes.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Herp-a-derrrrppppp.... Uh... Probably Adele's 21, and Micheal Buble's Christmas album is awesome. It was on every day until Christmas in my house.
27. What did you want and get?
Mah iPod upgrade!
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Thor was enjoyable. Napoleon Dynamite is a recurring favourite. It might not be "new" but it's always enjoyed.
That sucked. I’m going to make up a new question:
a) Where are your pants?
on my fat, fat ass.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 31. I can't remember what I did for my birthday. I know it was a pretty good weekend, that's all I can vaguely recall.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More cowbell?
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Fashion? Yoga pants and a few knit sweaters. Tank tops and shorts in the summer.
34. What kept you sane?
My friends. My trip out to Victoria this summer by myself, which was my first holiday sans family.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No one.
edit: I totally freaking lied.Joe Manganiello. Phwoar! The only Celebrity crush I've had since I was 13 and obsessed with Jonathan Brandis. (RIP, JB.)
Oh. My. God. (To my husband: I love you, honey.)
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Nothing, really. I voted this year.
37. Who did you miss?
Christmas was hard without my parents this year. 38. Who was the best new person you met?
Ugh, the pressure! Everybody that wasn't douchey?
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
Nothing happens unless you're proactive. You'll never know what you can do if you don't try.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Uh... No.
I spend 14-16 of my 24 hours per day in the company of my child, (the rest of the time he is sleeping.) because of this, I notice things pretty quickly about his development. Jake's newest thing, (other than his hugely expanding vocabulary) is that he's demonstrating some pretty complicated emotions for such a little human being, more than the usual toddler angry/happy/neutral/sad/frustrated which dominated his personality for the previous 2.5 years. The newest over the last 2 weeks or so has been the development of his "feelings." Ugh... Feelings.
For instance, he's consistently telling me he's "Sad" "Happy", "Missing" "I love"; though "Love" is still a pretty abstract concept at this point in time, he tells me he loves everything from his toothbrush to Grandma and Papa, his "toonies" (cartoons) to the colour of my shirt, etc., and "Sad" is usually when I tell him "No, Jake, You can't have more ice cream." Or "No, Jake, you can't stay up any longer, it's BED-TIME."
A light smack on the hand for touching something potentially dangerous, or a forceful "No!" when he's repeatedly whining for something results in tears and very obvious hurt feelings. Temper tantrums have taken on an entirely new level of Holy fuck! in magnitude because it's pretty apparent that he's overwhelmed when he's at that point of losing his noodle. Hey, I didn't say they were REFINED emotions, just that they were new. Haha! Truth be told, he's a bit of a Drama King.
Whereas before they were just vague concepts for him when I would use flash cards on my iPod to teach him the basics of human emotions and facial recognition for emotions, you can actually SEE that he's starting to grasp the intricacies of it all now.
I suppose his developing vocabulary over the last few months (He's speaking in mostly sentences and some paragraphs now.) has added another level of finesse and finagling in dealing with his emotional self for the hubz and I. Hooray for semantics. Surprisingly, even with this additional layer to my child's onion-like self, it's actually easier for me to deal with him now.
Easier how? Well, because of these emotional shifts in his brain, he bargains and reasons with us a lot better now that he's understanding the emotional side where we are coming from. It's pretty awesome actually! He's going to be a tender little thing though, I think.
Now, coming from being a tenderhearted individual myself growing up, I'm going to have to find ways to ensure that my son can still be sweet but develop a tough enough skin that things won't bother him quite so badly. At this point it's fine, but once he starts attending school, there will more than likely be problems with other children picking on him if they sense weakness or sensitivity in his character. Don't get me wrong, I don't want my sweetie to be jaded or rough, I just want him to be able to defuse situations without letting his sensitive emotional self getting overwrought. Perhaps humour will be his best defense...
Come to think of it, most of the big boys in my family are pretty humourous gents. You have no idea how relieved I am to know that along with his father, Jake has some pretty fucking excellent male role models to look up to. My dad, Uncles, and cousin are pretty fantastic men.
To help myself become a stronger, more confident parent, as well as nurturing the bond between my son and myself, I am attending a seminar this upcoming weekend on parenting/raising boys, by Barry MacDonald called "Mentoring Boys: To become Caring, Courageous and Ethical Men." It covers a lot of topics, but mainly, (at least, from my understanding; I'll have more to say on this after I've digested my learning from the weekend...) focuses on techniques of communication between parents and boys to raise them as caring and considerate members of society with good communication skills.
I'm really looking forward to seeing what I can learn and if it will work with Jake. Admittedly, it is aimed at boys ages 5-18, and since Jake falls below this threshold I'm not certain how useful it will be for me immediately, but I am sure (or at least sincerely hoping) that laying groundwork before then will be beneficial for Jake as well as the hubz and I.
In a conversation on the phone today with my friend Heather, (in a roundabout way of course) we started to discuss John Lennon, and in particular his son Julian Lennon (who btw, he was apparently a huge douchebag towards.) and Julian's mother Cynthia Lennon, where I read a quote about Cynthia and Yoko's relationship with each other. I'm just going to quote it here, copied and pasted directly from Wikipedia.
Ono's relationship with John Lennon's first wife, Cynthia Lennon remains strained. In her 2006 biography, John, (London: Hodder; U.S.: Crown Publishing) Cynthia Lennon portrays Ono as a selfish, spiteful woman. In the book, she describes learning about Ono's control over John (who referred to Ono as "mother") in the period in the mid-1970s when Ono chose May Pang to be John's companion. Cynthia hypothesizes that John had a "mother complex," allowing himself to be dominated by strong women and draws a parallel between his relationship with Ono and that with his domineering aunt Mimi Smith in childhood.[verification needed]
Wait, I'm sorry... What? He referred to Yoko Ono as "Mother"? Really?! And he was banging her?
Think about that for a moment. "Mother."
Okay, I'm never going to be able to think of John Lennon in the same context ever again, I just have his lazy Liverpool accent running over and over in my head (with an echo no less!) saying "Oh, Mother!" and I feel like vomiting. John Lennon had an Oedipus complex, really?! With YOKO ONO. Eeeeewwwwwww.
Anyone that knows me well knows I married a man almost 16 years my senior. That's right, I'm 30, and my husband is 46. It's not something that I was actively looking for, I wasn't on the prowl for a hot silver fox or anything like that, he just happened to be the right person at the right time in my life, and things worked out for themselves. I'm sure people don't care, and judge me regardless. Whatever, it's my life not theirs..
I'm also pretty certain that everybody and their dog thinks I have an Oedipus complex of my own, but the truth is, it couldn't be any farther from the truth. I actually get really annoyed when Cliff tries to "daddy" me, (as in by trying to teach me or boss me around like I'm a kid) and if he asked me "Who's your daddy?" mid-coitus, I'd probably throw him off and make a wild dash for the nearest toilet to heave my dirty feelings away.
Cliff has more in common with my maternal grandfather (from what I know of him, I wasn't super close to him when he was alive) than my Dad anyways. both are flytyers, both avid fishermen, both love hockey and world war 1 and 2 history documentaries, both fall asleep on the couch after a long day at work and snort indignantly when I attempt to change the channel, saying "I was watching that!" when they and I both know they were sleeping.
And Hey!!! That doesn't mean I wanted to fuck my Grandpa, either.
I'll just stick with Harrison, since he was the quiet cute one in The Beatles.
Get the overwhelming urge to do something, apply yourself to something wholly new and completely out of character just to kick you in the ass and get your life on a new track? Yeah... I'm there right now. It's not anything bad just different.
I've spent the entirety of my life so far trying to remain low-key, mellow, approachable and agreeable. Granted there were moments in my youth where I let myself really shine, embraced my inner performer and sense of style with singing (which I rarely feel the urge to do anymore) I'm an all right dancer, but honestly I am clumsy as hell the most of the time.
I enjoy writing but my only real skills involve varied forms of navel-gazing and writing about myself, although I used to be irreverent and my sense of humour used to be very... Unique. (Self-deprecation, flirtation, mixed with irony and sarcasm... God, those were the days...) But this got lost in the fray, as is evidenced from my 4 year-long stint writing on Glamazon Shoe Diaries; which collapsed into (even more) obscurity after I didn't finish/graduate from design school, and I fell into a severe creative and personal slump... And there's the open truth about that. That's why I stopped. I gave up on myself. I am not proud about that but it's the truth.
So; I focused on something else. Making a family. Not just for my own gratification of course, but let's be honest, making a family is mostly a selfish desire to create a support system where you have people you love around you constantly. That being said, yes it's a support system, but it is also a lot of work, a shitload of self-sacrifice and it doesn't always pan out, but that's what it really is. I know that probably sounds terrible, but it's why most people have families, even if they can't admit it to themselves.
Of course anyone that knows me knows that my son is my universe, I love him so much it makes people sick, and my husband... Well, he's a close second when I don't feel like kicking his ass. LOL! I kid, I kid... Well, sort of. Haha, we do tend to clash a lot together but we are both very stubborn people. That being said he's a good man with a very good heart, and I do love him past all reason and rhyme. I just sorta want to smack him every now and then because he's very set in his ways.
Anyways... I digress. After I had my son, and even before I had him as soon as I started maternity leave, as well as being absolutely terrified with my plunge into the unknown by raising a child, I also knew that this was my chance to shine again, after I (of course) focused on his development from adorable little 10 lb potato sack into a real little person. I could excel at something again. What exactly I wasn't sure, but I knew that my time off while taking care of Jake full-time from my regular run-of-the-mill shit retail employment was temporary, even if I was good at selling shit to people that they didn't need. I could always go back to doing that, but it does absolutely NOTHING for me. That, and I fucking hate the general populace that frequent malls. Ha!
I wondered from the moment I left my job for my mat leave "what am I going to do with myself after he is old enough to go to daycare/preschool.", and it's still lurking in my brain, I still think on it every few days.
It's become clearer and clearer to me that I need to shine at something for my own self-esteem and sense of self-worth, something completely independent and self-motivated. The challenge is staying self-motivated. I need to do something that will bring in its own income and support me for myself, as well as contribute to my household to balance the power in the house. (with all credit given to my husband, he works very hard but his sense of monetary worth vs. stay-at-home-mom who doesn't bring in an income is rather neanderthal... I love you, sweetie.) I need these things because I feel like I am losing myself... Or rather that I've already lost myself and I need to find out who exactly I am now.
The fact remains is that the things I am thinking of trying might step on the toes of people I care about deeply, either by possibly stealing their thunder (albeit unintentionally) or just seeming like a copycat, which isn't my desire either. I really don't want to hurt anyone. I just want meaning and purpose in my life other than taking care of my adorable little family. There's nothing wrong with being a Hausfrau, I just want something outside of that definition to... well... Define me.
I know I am being a little vague but it's mostly because I am unsure myself about the road I wish to take.
