Overheard: Kitty Deluxe...

Cat: Oh Hai! You wanted to sleep, so I knocked over something loud and suspicious sounding downstairs while you were drifting off, then meowed pitifully a few times so you thought it was squishing me - Even though I'm totally fine and just wanted you to get up and play, play, play! Also, I'm going to wind my body in figure eights around your ankles while you try to find out what mystery item I sent careening to the ground. Especially while your trying to walk down the stairs! (You'll never find out what it was though, its a MYSTERY SURPRISE!) I hope you don't mind! Me-wow! I'm your adorable Kitty! Hey can I have some food?

Me: *sigh* ...Cat.

Too Sexy For This...

J: Mommy I want hotgirl videos. (on my iPod)
Me: You want what?! You're THREE!
J: Hotgirl videos. (Obviously having troubles with his pronunciation.)
Me: Say it again. Slowly.
J: Hawk. Girl. Videos.
Me: Hawk girl?
J: YES!
Me: Thank God.

(A few minutes later...)

J: Daddy, Mommy found me hotgirl videos.
Cliff: That's my boy!
Me: Jeez, Cliff! He's 3! And it's HAWK GIRL, not "Hot Girl".
Cliff: Oh...That's nice, son.
Me: Nice...

Overheard: My Handy Helper...

I give Jake a glass and two small bowls from snack time to take into the kitchen to put into the sink as we are finishing tidying up the living room. All the sudden I hear the garbage can lid opening.

Me: Jake! What are you doing?!

J: *pause* Um... Putting the cup in the garbage?

Me: WHY???

J: That's what you told me to do?

Me: No, I didn't. I said put them in the sink. Yikes! I just bought those glasses, dude.

J: Ooops!

I wonder how many cups/bowls/plates he's thrown into the garbage since he's started helping me clean the house?

Not Sexy and I Know It...

LMFAO: Wiggle,wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, Uh....

Me: Oh my GOD what did I do to myself!? My ass!!! Ow, Ow!

(Me dancing to Sexy And I Know It by LMFAO while cleaning my kitchen this morning...)

"...And I Winned!"

Jake is playing on the leapster explorer handheld device that he got for Christmas. While playing a train game he just started a few minutes ago for the first time, he starts cheering:

"Yaaaaaaayyyy! Hey Mommy! See! I did this! I push this button here with the pen and it moves the tracks to the right. And the train can get through into a tunnel and then I winned! I'm a train master!"

Me: (thinking in my head) *Holy shit! he knows his lefts and rights, properly, and even I have trouble with them sometimes, I'm 31. He also just said an entire paragraph describing exactly how to play the game without me showing him anything, and he figured it out within 2 minutes. I HAVE A GENIUS CHILD!*

(out-loud) Excellent buddy, way to go!

It's a State of Being....

Jake: Mommy, can you tell me a story?

Me: Sure buddy.

Jake: About dinosaurs!

Me: Okay... Once upon a time, there was a dinosaur and his name waaaaaas?

Jake: T-Rex Buddy!

Me: Sure, T-Rex Buddy. And he had a friend named Jakeasaurus!

Jake: !!!!!! *wordless twirl of excitement on my bed!*

Me: And T-Rex Buddy and Jakeasaurus liked to eaaaaattt?

Jake: MEAT! AND BAD GUYS! CARRION! THEY ARE CARNIVORES!

Me: Yep, meat. Aaaaand they also liked to eat?

Jake: PIZZA!

Me: What colour was T Rex Buddy?

Jake: Black, with red, here, (indicates his sides) *Then he collapses bonelessly on my bed*

Me: And what colour was Jakeasaurus?

Jake: *tongue sticking out the side of his mouth* Dead!

Me: Dead is not a colour, honey. It's a state of being.

Jake: Oh. Okay.

Overheard: On Anniversary presents...

My first wedding anniversary with the Hubby is today, and I was having a late night conversation with one of my lovely cupcakes, Ms. Alli via chat.

Me: So, I either get diamonds or a teapot for my anniversary present... What do you think I'll get?

Alli: Oh oh! I hope it's a diamond-encrusted teapot!

Me: Ha! ...Completely impractical on a necklace.

Alli: Bahahahahhaha! You could be the Martha Stewart version of Flava Flav!

Overheard: On Paper

*Jake farts around with the printer while I'm on my computer*
Me: Hey! Don't touch that babe!
Jake: But I need more papers!
Me: What? You had three sheets, did you finish cutting them with your scissors already?
Jake: No mommy, I didn't cut them, I raped them.
Me: ... Uh.... Ripped them?
Jake: Yes!
Me: It's all about pronunciation, my love. R-IIIII-pped.

Overheard: On Chinese Food.

H: I really want to order Chinese food from Asian Spice but they don't do pork.
Me: What?! What kind of Chinese food place doesn't do pork in their food?
H: I think it's a religious thing.
Me: So what, like... Kosher Chinese food? Does that even exist?
H: I have no idea.
Me: Ummm.. What would you even call that? Jewnese? ChiJew? *pause* ...ChiJew. That sounds better than Jewnese.

Overheard: on the Potty...

Jake, while sitting on his potty: Mommy, I have to talk to you. This is SERIOUS talk. I are a serious Jakey. You sit down and look at me. (This is exactly what I say to him when he is in trouble after a time out. LOL!)

Me: Am I in trouble, buddy?

Jake: Yes! You were a bad mommy!

Me: Okay kiddo. But can you at least try to pee while you tear a strip off of me, so that we can tackle two things at once?

Jake: Okay Mommy!

Overheard: on Cars...

Jake: Sally loves McQueen.
Me: Ooooh! And does McQueen love Sally?
Jake: Yes!
Me: Are they gonna get married someday?
Jake: Naaaaah.
Me: Oh, so they're gonna live in sin?
Jake Nope, McQueen in the closet.
Me: Oh yeah? Him and Tow-Mater, huh?
Jake: Yep. In my bedroom.
Me: Boy, he likes 'em scruffy.

(Seriously, I did NOT make this up. Obviously Jake is taking me literally, as in McQueen actually physically LIVES in the closet, along with all his other toys, He also only has a Tow-Mater, and no Sally toy car... LOL!)

SCHRAWBURBBY!!

Me: Hey, is it dinner time?

Jake: Yes!

Me: Then why are you playing with a toy at the table?*

Jake - (affronted**): It not a TOY, Mommy. It a SCHRAWBURBBY!!

Me: Ooooh, forgive my error, your Majesty. It is indeed a strawberry.

Jake: Yes! It IS. *pretends a big bite out of it*

Me: Eat your hot dog, please.

Jake: Otay***, mommy.


*(it's a reusable bag that tucks into a strawberry shaped drawstring pouch. It's darling, a wedding present that Jake plays with all the time.)
**(and YES, he actually was affronted at my assumption. I think he gets no higher joy than correcting me when I'm wrong. What an uppity 2.5 year old little shit. He must have learned this from his father.)
***(yes, he truly does say "Otay!" instead of okay. This makes up for uppity shit-ness.