A Legit, hard-core chubby chaser tried to randomly add me on Facebook from a comment on a 9gag post I made, God knows when. I know this because he messaged me (since I have it set to only friends of friends can send me requests.) His email has been in my "other" folder for almost a month, I never bother to check it.
His public profile is littered with a variety of pornographic BBW and Fat women page likes and images of fanart. His "Nickname" or "other" name is something fairly pornographic as well. And let's be honest... Usually there's only 1 reason randos add you on FB.
#1 I'm married, not looking, and not even interested in looking.
#2. I am 35 years old. Just... NO. I am way too old for this shit.
#3. Why are you approaching grown women with that kind of behaviour? It reeks of desperation. GO into chat rooms with amiable women who are interested in being treated like objects.
#4. I don't mind being thought of as attractive, because I know I am pretty; and truthfully it doesn't even matter to me that others find me attractive. My self-worth is not tied to my body, or how people see it and react to it. It took me a long, long time to get to this point, and I slip up occasionally, but my do not give a fuck level for what other people think of my body is at a point where *I* am content with it. I care about how I look to ME. My body is a work in progress, it's something I am in constant negotiations with. It's something I am learning to love, and something I am working on every day.
However, I have another opinion entirely on being fetishized because I am a fat person. I am not my fat. I am not my belly and tits and thighs. I just happen to have them. That's all. That shit is dehumanizing and completely 100% unattractive. BEING fetishized DOES make me feel bad about my body, because I know I am so much more than my flesh envelope.
One item at a time. I decided to be less passive this year and more agressive at attaining my own goals. Afterall, if I won't chase my own dragon, than who will?
Item one on my "Bucket List" was completed last weekend, my auntie came over for the weekend and taught me how to sew a quilt. She helped me set up our spare room in our basement as a hobby/sewing room for me, she generously contributed the 5" squares for the topper and helped me pick out the other items I'd need, as well as setting me up with the basics for what I'd need to make more, which is definitely in the works, and sets me up nicely for number 2 on my list.
Action shot!
Do you think he likes it?
with it's matching pillow, in my sewing room.
Napping Daddy approved, though quite short for someone who is 6' 3"tall! LOL!
Item number 2 is to make more quilts if I was any good at making the first, (which I seemed to do tolerably well, it's a cute blanket!) and I decided to make a matching pillow for the original quilt, I had enough squares left over and enough backing and quilt batting to do more. So sew I shall!
Other items on my Bucket list are:
Going to Scotland for a few weeks (Hubby and I agreed this would be our 10 year anniversary present! He wants to fish the river Spey, I want to go wandering around in castles wearing cable knit sweaters!)
Getting a large piece tattoo done from mid thigh to the top of my foot (a peacock)
Getting my drivers license (32 this year and I still can't drive, what a joke!)
Getting my passport.
Going to Mexico.
Achieving and maintaining a healthy body weight.
Professionally publish some of my writing.
Creating something with pottery/clay, perhaps taking a class at a local college.
And many more items, but all of them achievable. Some are mundane, some are extraordinary and will require a lot of planning and forethought, but it's not the intensity and difficulty level of these things That is the point, it's the journey that is life from start to finish. I want to be able to be there on my death bed, whenever that is, and not have regrets that I didn't do the things I wanted to do in my life.
I'll probably write more posts about my bucket list items. What are some of your life goals?
1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
I registered a URL for a blog. This is the first time I've ever owned a website. Kinda neat, but sad that at the same time this is all I can think of for firsts. Maybe our first family photoshoot, or my first wedding anniversary.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
In the past 4 years I have flat out refused to do any sort of New Years Resolution, my NYR's are started before the 1st of January, (or at least planned out) or started sometime in March. This year is something different, and I quite honestly feel like I am wasting my borrowed time on this earth. I'm singularly unhealthy, both weight and physically, you can see it in my skin, in my bodyshape, and in the way I feel inside. It's crackdown time, but it's not necessarily a "New Years Resolution". It's a necessity resolution to myself so I don't fucking kill myself from my own stupidity. Also I'm hoping to lose 50lbs by August. We'll see. I just have to stick to it.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yep, my cousin's and his fiancee had a very handsome little lad, and my friends Kristine and Chris had a lovely little miss who I got to snuggle at less than a day old. Squee!
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope, not this year... At least I don't think so?
5. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Confidence in my body.
6. What countries did you visit?
I stayed in Canada this year.
7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:
My first anniversary.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Nothing I can definitively answer this year. How depressing.
9. What was your biggest failure?
The lack of achievement in 2011. I was very "overwhelmed" and depressed all year long. Time to put on my big girl panties and deal! Also, I accidentally washed my kids' ipod touch in the washing machine. There was a lot of cursing happening in the laundry room while I scalded the shit out of my arms/hands searching frantically for it in the screaming hot water and sheets.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing major. A couple of colds. I suppose crippling anxiety at parts in my year would classify as an illness.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My 4th gen, 64gb ipod touch. Technically my husband bought it for me, for Mother's day/birthday gift.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Jake. The leaps and bounds he's made in development, both attitude wise and vocabulary and mental developmentally is amazing. He amazes me every day.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine.
14. Where did most of your money go?
I don't have an income. Ask my husband.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Glee, which dammit, has been VERY disappointing both season 2 and the beginning of season 3.
16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Adele - One and Only.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Sadder, however, more determined than ever to smarten this life of mine around.
ii. thinner or fatter? Ugh, Fatter, is my guess. iii. richer or poorer? I'm not the moneybags.
Okay, Meme, let me take a stab at that:
i) more or less like Justin Beaver - Uhh... I couldn't give two shiny shits and a brass knuckle. ii) more or less likely to decide inanimate objects looked like boobs - Everyone loves tits. iii) more or less likely to watch Glee – About the same, but if it's true that C. Colfer and Lea Michelle are leaving after this season, it will def. be my last. This season is awful so far.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
More shit outside my house. Somewhere in the last couple of years I became reclusive to the point of ridiculous. This is completely out of character for me, and not a good example for my son.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Sitting on my big fat ass, stuffing my gob. LOL!
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
At home. With my cousins and my guys.
21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
No. I'm feeling particularly jaded.
22. How many one-night stands?
What is sex? I forget.
23. What was your favorite TV program?
Big Bang Theory, which was a marathon of all 5 seasons in a week, this summer it was True Blood on HBO. I don't really watch more than that. Glee... well... That's been covered already.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope.
25. What was the best book you read?
I enjoyed Jacqueline Carey's newest spinoff of the Kushiel's dart series (Nama'ah's kiss, curse etc...) and I just finished reading the four books Cliff got me for Christmas, (4 books in five days, Yeah it's sick...) by JR Ward, the Fallen angel series: Covet, Crave and Envy. They were enjoyable and a nice spinoff of the Black Dagger Brotherhood series that she writes.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Herp-a-derrrrppppp.... Uh... Probably Adele's 21, and Micheal Buble's Christmas album is awesome. It was on every day until Christmas in my house.
27. What did you want and get?
Mah iPod upgrade!
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Thor was enjoyable. Napoleon Dynamite is a recurring favourite. It might not be "new" but it's always enjoyed.
That sucked. I’m going to make up a new question:
a) Where are your pants?
on my fat, fat ass.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 31. I can't remember what I did for my birthday. I know it was a pretty good weekend, that's all I can vaguely recall.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More cowbell?
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Fashion? Yoga pants and a few knit sweaters. Tank tops and shorts in the summer.
34. What kept you sane?
My friends. My trip out to Victoria this summer by myself, which was my first holiday sans family.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No one.
edit: I totally freaking lied.Joe Manganiello. Phwoar! The only Celebrity crush I've had since I was 13 and obsessed with Jonathan Brandis. (RIP, JB.)
Oh. My. God. (To my husband: I love you, honey.)
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Nothing, really. I voted this year.
37. Who did you miss?
Christmas was hard without my parents this year. 38. Who was the best new person you met?
Ugh, the pressure! Everybody that wasn't douchey?
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
Nothing happens unless you're proactive. You'll never know what you can do if you don't try.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Uh... No.
This is a challenge given by my girlfriend Alli, to see if we could write 50 things about yourself that you like. Here are mine. Keep in mind this is things I like about myself, not always "positive" things but things I've learned to accept about my persona. I challenge YOU to write the same (you don't need to share it if you don't want to!) I found it to be a definite booster to my pretty ragged feeling self-esteem level today.
1. sense of humour.
2. the shape of my eyes.
3. my skin after I shower and shave my legs.
4. my writing style.
5. my handwriting.
6. my Intelligence.
7. that I am left handed.
8. when I'm genuinely entertained by something my laugh is awesome. Usually a cackle.
9. my ability to think logically sometimes.
10. my extensive vocabulary.
11. my ability to read anything quickly.
12. my physical strength.
13. how deeply I love my son.
14. the shape of my hands and my feet
15. that I still have faith in humanity, and seeing examples of humans doing amazing things makes me cry
16. My willingness to admit "I don't know the answer to that." and then to research and educate myself on it almost immediately.
17. that I like pretty much anything to do with music.
18. I can sleep anytime in the day.
19. I like my ability to be scandalized. This is a new development as this never used to happen 5 years ago.
20. that I have mellowed with age.
21. there is a healthy level of cynicism with my sense of humour.
22. that I can re-read books over and over again. One of my favourite things to do is get lost in a familiar story.
23. I like that I can swear like a sailor. My mother hates it but this isn't about her.
24. that I've learned definite lessons from my previous mistakes in life.
25. that I rarely blow dry/flat iron/do anything other than put my hair up in a ponytail. It's always in pretty good condition even a year in between haircuts.
26. that I am a brunette. I <3 brunettes.
27. my dated pop-culture knowledge. Yeah that's right, I can kick your ass at 80s and 90's trivial pursuit.
28. that if I had a choice I'd be 70% carnivore and 20% carbafarian, and the rest can (I guess) be vegetables. Yep. Veggies suck, but I eat them anyways. (and in a more balanced ratio.)
29. my love of nirvana, soundgarden and Pearl Jam. Most 90s music in general, actually.
30. my ability to USE common sense as well as possess it.
31. my ability to be 100% emotional instead of logical at times.
32. my absolutely mind-bendingly confusing methodology of arguing/fighting. LOL!
33. the fact that as I get older I am refusing more and more to deal with bullshit. My own included. I wish I'd been like this years ago.
34. I love that I LOVE diamonds.
35. my calves. I got my mom's gams.
36. my lips.
37. my honesty regarding my housekeeping, gardening and fish keeping abilities. I'm pretty shitty at all three.
38. despite the fact that I'm terrible at all three, I still try, try, try. I'm still shit at folding laundry though. Maybe because I hate it.
39. the fact that I am tolerant to a point about almost anything but when I reach that boiling point I put my foot down and it's no going back ever again.
40. my love of designer perfumes.
41. that I can be pretty deep and also superficial at the same time. It all depends on how well you know me as to how many levels you get to see.
42. my abilities with technology. I'm not to shoddy at doing most things on a computer/smartphone/etc.
43. that I can be really really sweet and supportive, or a real fucking bitch, depending on how you treat me.
44. that I am particular about my chocolate.
45. I do not drink very often.
46. I love that I can bring the house down at karaoke.
47. how anal I am about my itunes music library. It's organized within an inch of it's existence.
48. I am an excellent verbal communicator, but an even better written communicator.
49. I'm a good instructor/teacher/helper.
50. I'm a damned good cook and baker.
