Overheard: Conversations With My Five Year Old...

My husband is working this weekend, and I've spent the last 2 days taking care of a sick little boy, who has a pretty hard core cold.

Jake: Hey mom, you know what's better than Lasagna?
Me: What darlin'?
Jake: Love.
Me: Love is indeed better than lasagna, my dear heart.

Less than 5 minutes later during a chat:

Jake: Hey Mom, when you die...
Me: ...Huh?
J: When you die, I will keep your heart in a jar. Shaped like a heart. On the mantle.
Me: (In my head) *What the actual fuck?* (out loud) Oh...

Ten minutes later:

Jake: (Showing me toys he's playing with) "This is the Daddy, and this is the son, but there is no mommy, because she's dead.
Me: Dude! What's up with the general theme of "dead mom" you have going on here? I am getting concerned...
J: Muah-ha-ha-ha!
Me: Very funny.

Too Sexy For This...

J: Mommy I want hotgirl videos. (on my iPod)
Me: You want what?! You're THREE!
J: Hotgirl videos. (Obviously having troubles with his pronunciation.)
Me: Say it again. Slowly.
J: Hawk. Girl. Videos.
Me: Hawk girl?
J: YES!
Me: Thank God.

(A few minutes later...)

J: Daddy, Mommy found me hotgirl videos.
Cliff: That's my boy!
Me: Jeez, Cliff! He's 3! And it's HAWK GIRL, not "Hot Girl".
Cliff: Oh...That's nice, son.
Me: Nice...

Overheard: My Handy Helper...

I give Jake a glass and two small bowls from snack time to take into the kitchen to put into the sink as we are finishing tidying up the living room. All the sudden I hear the garbage can lid opening.

Me: Jake! What are you doing?!

J: *pause* Um... Putting the cup in the garbage?

Me: WHY???

J: That's what you told me to do?

Me: No, I didn't. I said put them in the sink. Yikes! I just bought those glasses, dude.

J: Ooops!

I wonder how many cups/bowls/plates he's thrown into the garbage since he's started helping me clean the house?

Overheard: Stormy Weather...

Jake: Mommy, can we go outside if we wear sweaters?

Me: No, not today buddy  It's an inside day. it's stormy outside.

Jake: It's not stormy! I don't see any lightening, or hear thunder! (:O Cheeky bugger!)

Me: Nope, It's a wind storm. you'd blow away into the sky like a kite! Aaaaah! *pretends her hand is him flying into the sky.*

Jake: *looks at me for a minute, shocked. Then smiles and shakes his head.* No mommy, you're just joking me.

Me: A little bit, buddy. you could get knocked on your bum though.

Overheard: On Hallowe'en Costumes...

A Conversation between my Husband and myself:

Linds, while making an attempt at a Hallowe'en costume princess hat, to my Hubby, as I place the hat on my head: "Hey baby, how do you think I could attach this hat to this headband?"

Hubby: *Pauses "Cover Me Canada", turns around and looks at me. There is this bizarre expression on his face and complete silence... You can hear crickets chirping.*

Linds: "I look retarded in this, don't I?"

Hubby: Trying to cover a huge grin with his hand. "No honey, Not at all."

Linds: "You're an absolutely terrible liar.

I love you. 

*pause* I'm so not putting this crap on my head."

Overheard: On Paper

*Jake farts around with the printer while I'm on my computer*
Me: Hey! Don't touch that babe!
Jake: But I need more papers!
Me: What? You had three sheets, did you finish cutting them with your scissors already?
Jake: No mommy, I didn't cut them, I raped them.
Me: ... Uh.... Ripped them?
Jake: Yes!
Me: It's all about pronunciation, my love. R-IIIII-pped.

My Husband, Super-Consumer...

My son is almost 3 years old, and like most toddlers becomes fixated on particular movies. Right now, it's Disney/pixar's Cars. Lightning McQueen is Jakes most obsessed over Character. Follow closely by Mater. 

He's got lines from the movie down pat,  and my husband is a BIG sucker for picking up stuff that will drive Jake gaga. 

From small to large figures of the characters to pencils with Mater and Luigi erasers, to the potty we are using to potty train Jake that revs it's engine instead of flushing, and a dozen other things that (in my opinion) our son definitely does not need as he ignores 50-70% of his existing toys Jake is getting very, very spoiled.

Last weekend, my darling hubby took Jake out during the morning and they stopped off at Princess Auto Parts. On the way out of the store Jake spotted miniature traffic cones which made his day. Why? Well for anyone that has watched cars, one of the main characters (Sally) owns a motel in the shape of traffic cones. Jake gleefully exclaimed "Look Daddy! Cozy cones!" and because they were inexpensive... We now own four small traffic cones. AS WELL as all of his other cars related toys. 

Seriously. 

I Can Haz April Fool?

Ok, so I officially fell for 2 pranks this April fools day, one masterfully executed by my cousin Sylvie, (which I don't know If I can forgive her for) because I was so very bummed after I found out it was her joke. She posted on her facebook status that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2 was being released in May instead of July. I was GLEEFUL. I posted it on a friends page. And the only reason I fell for it was because I didn't think Miss Sylvie was the prankster type. (I should KNOW better, I live with her for gods sake.)

But no, it's still being released on or around July 15th.

Sad. Face. FOREVER! You don't fuck around with a nerd and Harry Potter.

I'll have to get over myself with that one. (I told her she was a stinker, and she laughed and laughed at my disgruntled face!) which I'm sure will happen within moments.

And the other "prank" was by Gmail/Google. Seriously. I'll let you see for yourself.

Now, I wouldn't have fallen for it under normal April 1st circumstances, as I'm pretty wary of anything on that day, and I'm really freaking gullible. But the clincher was that it was linked in my gmail inbox, up in the navigation bars as a new product. Now, admittedly, my email could have possibly been open since the 1st in my browser and and I never actually refreshed the page. but aren't AFD pranks supposed to happen on the 1st, not the 3rd of April? (and technically, aren't pranks supposed to occur only until noon on the first?) I checked it out today and was flabbergasted at the concept, mainly because people would look like total tools dancing around in front of their webcams.

I can type faster than I could charades out a freaking email.

And while I thought looked ridiculous, but more for the guy demoing it than the concept itself. Dude was totally a Creepy McCreeperson. All I could think was poor planning on Google's advertising team! LOL!

though I have to give both Sylvie and Google credit, for as paranoid a person as I am around the first of April, they totally snookered me.

Here's a video that nicely sums up how much I dislike April fools day, It's from Canadian sitcom Corner Gas, and features my favourite character (Davis).



The reasons mostly being that I feel like most pranks are usually malicious and poorly thought out. For example, as a kid, I thought it would be hilarious to put water into the section of the food processor that was used to push food towards the blades. HAHAhahaha...ha..hhhaaaaa.... *sighs* Yes, electrical devices and water, and spinning razor sharp blades. I never said I was brilliant at the age of 10. (I didn't actually do that one, I thought I would get in tons of shit for it.)

Most of my friends seem to rotate around the concept that announcing pregnancies and relationship statuses on facebook was the theme of the day. You know, the kind of blatantly obvious jokes that only fool the people who don't know the actual date.

Except for Sylvie. Who successfully yanked my chain.

Discipline! Discipline! We need some Discipline in Here!

Sunday last week was an unexpected meltdown on my part, and I feel bad. My hubby, son and I went to visit my parents for dinner (which was excellent) and some quality time. By the end of the evening, around 8 pm, Jake was owly, definitely ready for bed and as he is stubborn he was NOT listening to anyone.

Boy, do I dig that sometimes, Mr. Kitty Cat.

Jake is good at being very single minded when he so desires, it is frustrating and exhausting. It often feels like he's taken the stubbornness of my Husband and myself and concentrated it down into a pint-sized version of us at our very worst stubborn moments.

Children can totally be a mirror of their parents, and often, if you see a trait in your kids you dislike, remember that it is you they are usually mimicking.

Food for thought, huh?

At any rate, Jake wasn't listening, he was being a little turd and frustrating myself and Cliff, and to a lesser extent my parents. After fighting with him to get ready to go, wrestling a new pair of pajama pants on him, shoes, coat, etc etc, I was ready to get the hell out of there, and get his unruly ass into his bed ...And maybe imbibe in a drink myself. (Just kidding, I am such a sissy. I can't even drink anymore if I wanted to.)

Now, I can respect my parents and the fact that they raised me, and have dealt with a 2 year-old before, one who was probably as stubborn as Jake is, maybe even more so, (Yep, I'm referring to me. Hi! How are ya?! LOL! Here's saying he totally comes by it honestly!) and my dad says to me point blank as he's giving me a hug goodbye: "You need to punish him when he doesn't listen to you. He needs to know there are direct consequences for not doing what you say to him." And you know what? I agree with him 100%, I do!

However, a suggestion, criticism, or whichever you want to call it, is still criticism, just varied between constructive and non-constructive (In my opinion, that is.) and how it's received, largely depends on the timing that you deliver it in. To me, in my sensitive and ridiculously emotional state at that point in time, it felt like my dad was saying I was too soft on Jake, (In his defense, he totally wasn't.) when truth be told, I have very little patience anymore with my sons particular brand of bullshit. I am not "too soft" on my son, I just have to pick my battles with him, or I reach MY breaking point.

Mommy puts baby in the corner.

Now, my dad wasn't being harsh, his tone wasn't angry or rude, but my son does face his punishments when he is badly behaved. He gets put nose into the corner with his hands behind his back, and stays there until the notion sinks into his stubborn little brain. There are ways of dealing with Jakes behaviour that work, and ways that absolutely do not, and make him dig his heels in harder and act up even more. I know this kid, pretty much inside and out at this point, as best as I can possibly get to know his little mind and how it works. I'm trying to figure out ways to work with my son rather than have the situation combat the crap out of itself in battlefield Casa De Cupcakes.

I can agree somewhat with spanking as punishment, as it was effective when Jake was younger, as opposed to this point in his life where he either doesn't bat an eyelash or he laughs in my face. Needless to say my little bulldozer doesn't really get a spank anymore on his bum. Lately it seems ineffective with Jake to get his attention, unless he does something horribly bad which is a swat on the ass and a lengthy time out in the corner, (see related picture.) but personally I feel that the corner is what he dislikes more. Being removed from the situation more so than the swat on the butt is FAR more effective. I'm taking away his fun, and not giving him the attention he's requesting by acting like a terror. Point; Match, little boy. Mommy wins. (For now. Ugh.)

 What's more a concern for me is that J doesn't respond to yelling at him unless it scares him from doing something bad that he is fully involved in. Which, I mean honestly, if you were yelled at while engrossed in a task you'd be upset too. Hollering at this kid doesn't really work. I was somewhat at a loss, but I wasn't stumped for long.

This just meant a change in tactics.


I've been trying new methods of correction and consequence for his behaviour, and I find if I focus on working WITH Jake rather than against his desires, which is not saying that I am caving into his needs, but more that I am manipulating his needs to suit my own. (Yes, I AM a tricksy little hobbit.)

By convincing him that he is helping me rather than just getting pissed off that he is taking his own initiatives and getting himself in sticky situations that could have easily been avoided. He's almost three, basically as soon as they start moving around until common sense kicks in around the age of 25 (and that is being generous...) it's pretty much a miracle they don't off themselves accidentally by doing something stupid. 

At that particular point in time I felt it wasn't appropriate to stuff my kid in the corner of their apartment when we were 3 minutes away from putting him in the car, and then putting him to bed as soon as we get home. (rather than letting him dawdle and play for another 20-30 minutes once we did get home, which is what usually would have happened. Instead, I told Jake that I wasn't impressed with his inability to listen to me at his grandparents house and that he was going to bed A.S.A.P. as a result of it.) I don't think that "putting baby in the corner" would achieve much other than complaints from their neighbors with his crying.

Standing there letting him fuck around with the door, which was wide open into the hallway while he yodels his brains out because he's almost three, (and apparently the only setting my almost three year-old has at that particular moment in time is LOUD) isn't helping the situation. Removing him immediately from the scenario as a punishment IS effective.

My son knows my breaking point, and how far he can push me JUST from the tone of my voice. He's not a stupid kid, he's just almost three, and at the height of his terrible twos. I'm not giving him excuses, he just REALLY knows how to try to push my boundaries and when I've had enough. To sum it up, he knew he'd reached my limits and he was VERY complicit once we got home. He even walked to his bed himself, knowing I wasn't screwing around anymore.

Did I need to hear this suggestion at the height of my frustration with my kid acting up because he is tired and needs to go to bed-and I'm trying to get him the hell out of the apartment while "Please, no touching anything and moving it around where it doesn't belong, Jacob."-and to "Please keep your voice down, Jacob!" because my parents live in an apartment building and it's 8pm on a Sunday, we need to be considerate of others? Absolutely not. I broke down into tears, big, pathetic, girly tears, and not because I was sad but because I was completely overwhelmed.

Like seriously, tears, snot, yelling, cursing, everything... While I watched outside of myself in horror going "Stop! Stop! Lindsey, you are embarrassing yourself!" and I was mortified. I was angry and frustrated, and I hate my emotions sometimes. But I am human, and I can definitely be too sensitive to what people are saying to me. I know my faults, I know my weaknesses.

Sure, critique my parenting, or my personality, whatever you damned well please, just please find a time when I am not at my wits end, mortified that my kid is being a little terror, when I am tired and overwhelmed. If this is "caving in to my needs and only my needs, because everyone has an opinion and the right to voice it..." well then sure. Whatever works for you, but I will be frustrated with the lack of empathy I'm receiving, and you know what, you would be too!

I try SO freaking hard to be a good parent and find other methods of dealing with my son and his challenges, There are reasons why I read parenting forums and go to parenting seminars, There are reasons why I'm trying to be an empathetic parent, with actual interest in my child's development, and reasons that I am trying to learn ways to cope with my son and his stubbornness and sometime aggression.

You might not agree with my methods, but please note that I have relatively no problems dealing with my kid in one-on-one situations, and he actually (Okay, USUALLY...) listens to me. It's only when people do stuff that contradicts the methods I have been testing out by continuing the same-old-shit we've already tried and obviously DOESN'T work anymore, that we face real contention from Jake. It's a matter of being a unified front against desires that he has, I say no, Husband says no. I say yes, and husband says no for whatever reason he deems fit, then the answer is no. (And vice versa.) Punishment for certain behaviour is then routine, it's the same thing, until that eventually stops working. Because you damned well know that things are going to change again. I hope this phase lasts a little longer though, to be honest.

Things like a smack on the tush or may have worked when he was younger and didn't have the development that he does now, but they are not working now. It's time to adapt, and change tactics. There are times when it definitely feels like parenting is a Sisyphean task, I keep trying new ways and things keep pushing me down the same ways as before. I guess what doesn't kill me...

Maybe this is war. The thing is, that the "winners" in these series of battles is my son when he grows up with a sense of strong ethics, right and wrong, and myself and my family when we are proud of him for being the man he's grown up to be.

And I will be proud of him. I already am.

Overheard: on Cars...

Jake: Sally loves McQueen.
Me: Ooooh! And does McQueen love Sally?
Jake: Yes!
Me: Are they gonna get married someday?
Jake: Naaaaah.
Me: Oh, so they're gonna live in sin?
Jake Nope, McQueen in the closet.
Me: Oh yeah? Him and Tow-Mater, huh?
Jake: Yep. In my bedroom.
Me: Boy, he likes 'em scruffy.

(Seriously, I did NOT make this up. Obviously Jake is taking me literally, as in McQueen actually physically LIVES in the closet, along with all his other toys, He also only has a Tow-Mater, and no Sally toy car... LOL!)

50 Things I Like About Myself...

This is a challenge given by my girlfriend Alli, to see if we could write 50 things about yourself that you like. Here are mine. Keep in mind this is things I like about myself, not always "positive" things but things I've learned to accept about my persona. I challenge YOU to write the same (you don't need to share it if you don't want to!) I found it to be a definite booster to my pretty ragged feeling self-esteem level today.

1. sense of humour.
2. the shape of my eyes.
3. my skin after I shower and shave my legs.
4. my writing style.
5. my handwriting.
6. my Intelligence.
7. that I am left handed.
8. when I'm genuinely entertained by something my laugh is awesome. Usually a cackle.
9. my ability to think logically sometimes.
10. my extensive vocabulary.
11. my ability to read anything quickly.
12. my physical strength.
13. how deeply I love my son.
14. the shape of my hands and my feet
15. that I still have faith in humanity, and seeing examples of humans doing amazing things makes me cry
16. My willingness to admit "I don't know the answer to that." and then to research and educate myself on it almost immediately.
17. that I like pretty much anything to do with music.
18. I can sleep anytime in the day.
19. I like my ability to be scandalized. This is a new development as this never used to happen 5 years ago.
20. that I have mellowed with age.
21. there is a healthy level of cynicism with my sense of humour.
22. that I can re-read books over and over again. One of my favourite things to do is get lost in a familiar story.
23. I like that I can swear like a sailor. My mother hates it but this isn't about her.
24. that I've learned definite lessons from my previous mistakes in life.
25. that I rarely blow dry/flat iron/do anything other than put my hair up in a ponytail. It's always in pretty good condition even a year in between haircuts.
26. that I am a brunette. I <3 brunettes.
27. my dated pop-culture knowledge. Yeah that's right, I can kick your ass at 80s and 90's trivial pursuit.
28. that if I had a choice I'd be 70% carnivore and 20% carbafarian, and the rest can (I guess) be vegetables. Yep. Veggies suck, but I eat them anyways. (and in a more balanced ratio.)
29. my love of nirvana, soundgarden and Pearl Jam. Most 90s music in general, actually.
30. my ability to USE common sense as well as possess it.
31. my ability to be 100% emotional instead of logical at times.
32. my absolutely mind-bendingly confusing methodology of arguing/fighting. LOL!
33. the fact that as I get older I am refusing more and more to deal with bullshit. My own included. I wish I'd been like this years ago.
34. I love that I LOVE diamonds.
35. my calves. I got my mom's gams.
36. my lips.
37. my honesty regarding my housekeeping, gardening and fish keeping abilities. I'm pretty shitty at all three.
38. despite the fact that I'm terrible at all three, I still try, try, try. I'm still shit at folding laundry though. Maybe because I hate it.
39. the fact that I am tolerant to a point about almost anything but when I reach that boiling point I put my foot down and it's no going back ever again.
40. my love of designer perfumes.
41. that I can be pretty deep and also superficial at the same time. It all depends on how well you know me as to how many levels you get to see.
42. my abilities with technology. I'm not to shoddy at doing most things on a computer/smartphone/etc.
43. that I can be really really sweet and supportive, or a real fucking bitch, depending on how you treat me.
44. that I am particular about my chocolate.
45. I do not drink very often.
46. I love that I can bring the house down at karaoke.
47. how anal I am about my itunes music library. It's organized within an inch of it's existence.
48. I am an excellent verbal communicator, but an even better written communicator.
49. I'm a good instructor/teacher/helper.
50. I'm a damned good cook and baker.

SCHRAWBURBBY!!

Me: Hey, is it dinner time?

Jake: Yes!

Me: Then why are you playing with a toy at the table?*

Jake - (affronted**): It not a TOY, Mommy. It a SCHRAWBURBBY!!

Me: Ooooh, forgive my error, your Majesty. It is indeed a strawberry.

Jake: Yes! It IS. *pretends a big bite out of it*

Me: Eat your hot dog, please.

Jake: Otay***, mommy.


*(it's a reusable bag that tucks into a strawberry shaped drawstring pouch. It's darling, a wedding present that Jake plays with all the time.)
**(and YES, he actually was affronted at my assumption. I think he gets no higher joy than correcting me when I'm wrong. What an uppity 2.5 year old little shit. He must have learned this from his father.)
***(yes, he truly does say "Otay!" instead of okay. This makes up for uppity shit-ness.

It's a Magical Mystery Tour...

In a conversation on the phone today with my friend Heather, (in a roundabout way of course) we started to discuss John Lennon, and in particular his son Julian Lennon (who btw, he was apparently a huge douchebag towards.) and Julian's mother Cynthia Lennon, where I read a quote about Cynthia and Yoko's relationship with each other. I'm just going to quote it here, copied and pasted directly from Wikipedia.

Ono's relationship with John Lennon's first wife, Cynthia Lennon remains strained. In her 2006 biography, John, (London: Hodder; U.S.: Crown Publishing) Cynthia Lennon portrays Ono as a selfish, spiteful woman. In the book, she describes learning about Ono's control over John (who referred to Ono as "mother") in the period in the mid-1970s when Ono chose May Pang to be John's companion. Cynthia hypothesizes that John had a "mother complex," allowing himself to be dominated by strong women and draws a parallel between his relationship with Ono and that with his domineering aunt Mimi Smith in childhood.^{[verification needed]}

Wait, I'm sorry... What? He referred to Yoko Ono as "Mother"? Really?! And he was banging her?

Think about that for a moment. "Mother."

Okay, I'm never going to be able to think of John Lennon in the same context ever again, I just have his lazy Liverpool accent running over and over in my head (with an echo no less!) saying "Oh, Mother!" and I feel like vomiting. John Lennon had an Oedipus complex, really?! With YOKO ONO. Eeeeewwwwwww.

Anyone that knows me well knows I married a man almost 16 years my senior. That's right, I'm 30, and my husband is 46. It's not something that I was actively looking for, I wasn't on the prowl for a hot silver fox or anything like that, he just happened to be the right person at the right time in my life, and things worked out for themselves. I'm sure people don't care, and judge me regardless. Whatever, it's my life not theirs..

I'm also pretty certain that everybody and their dog thinks I have an Oedipus complex of my own, but the truth is, it couldn't be any farther from the truth. I actually get really annoyed when Cliff tries to "daddy" me, (as in by trying to teach me or boss me around like I'm a kid) and if he asked me "Who's your daddy?" mid-coitus, I'd probably throw him off and make a wild dash for the nearest toilet to heave my dirty feelings away.

Cliff has more in common with my maternal grandfather (from what I know of him, I wasn't super close to him when he was alive) than my Dad anyways. both are flytyers, both avid fishermen, both love hockey and world war 1 and 2 history documentaries, both fall asleep on the couch after a long day at work and snort indignantly when I attempt to change the channel, saying "I was watching that!" when they and I both know they were sleeping.

And Hey!!! That doesn't mean I wanted to fuck my Grandpa, either.

I'll just stick with Harrison, since he was the quiet cute one in The Beatles.

Even if he does look like Spock in this picture.

Current music: Que Onda Guero - Beck
Album: Guero