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Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Do You Ever...

Get the overwhelming urge to do something, apply yourself to something wholly new and completely out of character just to kick you in the ass and get your life on a new track? Yeah... I'm there right now. It's not anything bad just different.

I've spent the entirety of my life so far trying to remain low-key, mellow, approachable and agreeable. Granted there were moments in my youth where I let myself really shine, embraced my inner performer and sense of style with singing (which I rarely feel the urge to do anymore) I'm an all right dancer, but honestly I am clumsy as hell the most of the time.

I enjoy writing but my only real skills involve varied forms of navel-gazing and writing about myself, although I used to be irreverent and my sense of humour used to be very... Unique. (Self-deprecation, flirtation, mixed with irony and sarcasm... God, those were the days...) But this got lost in the fray, as is evidenced from my 4 year-long stint writing on Glamazon Shoe Diaries; which collapsed into (even more) obscurity after I didn't finish/graduate from design school, and I fell into a severe creative and personal slump... And there's the open truth about that. That's why I stopped. I gave up on myself. I am not proud about that but it's the truth.

So; I focused on something else. Making a family. Not just for my own gratification of course, but let's be honest, making a family is mostly a selfish desire to create a support system where you have people you love around you constantly. That being said, yes it's a support system, but it is also a lot of work, a shitload of self-sacrifice and it doesn't always pan out, but that's what it really is. I know that probably sounds terrible, but it's why most people have families, even if they can't admit it to themselves.

Of course anyone that knows me knows that my son is my universe, I love him so much it makes people sick, and my husband... Well, he's a close second when I don't feel like kicking his ass. LOL! I kid, I kid... Well, sort of. Haha, we do tend to clash a lot together but we are both very stubborn people. That being said he's a good man with a very good heart, and I do love him past all reason and rhyme. I just sorta want to smack him every now and then because he's very set in his ways.

Anyways... I digress. After I had my son, and even before I had him as soon as I started maternity leave, as well as being absolutely terrified with my plunge into the unknown by raising a child, I also knew that this was my chance to shine again, after I (of course) focused on his development from adorable little 10 lb potato sack into a real little person. I could excel at something again. What exactly I wasn't sure, but I knew that my time off while taking care of Jake full-time from my regular run-of-the-mill shit retail employment was temporary, even if I was good at selling shit to people that they didn't need. I could always go back to doing that, but it does absolutely NOTHING for me. That, and I fucking hate the general populace that frequent malls. Ha!

I wondered from the moment I left my job for my mat leave "what am I going to do with myself after he is old enough to go to daycare/preschool.", and it's still lurking in my brain, I still think on it every few days.

It's become clearer and clearer to me that I need to shine at something for my own self-esteem and sense of self-worth, something completely independent and self-motivated. The challenge is staying self-motivated. I need to do something that will bring in its own income and support me for myself, as well as contribute to my household to balance the power in the house. (with all credit given to my husband, he works very hard but his sense of monetary worth vs. stay-at-home-mom who doesn't bring in an income is rather neanderthal... I love you, sweetie.) I need these things because I feel like I am losing myself... Or rather that I've already lost myself and I need to find out who exactly I am now.

The fact remains is that the things I am thinking of trying might step on the toes of people I care about deeply, either by possibly stealing their thunder (albeit unintentionally) or just seeming like a copycat, which isn't my desire either. I really don't want to hurt anyone. I just want meaning and purpose in my life other than taking care of my adorable little family. There's nothing wrong with being a Hausfrau, I just want something outside of that definition to... well... Define me.

I know I am being a little vague but it's mostly because I am unsure myself about the road I wish to take.


1 comment:

  1. The first time I heard Harry Chapin's "Taxi," I was uncannily reminded of how my muse felt.

    Oh, I've got something inside me,
    To drive a princess blind.
    There's a wild man, wizard,
    He's hiding in me, illuminating my mind.
    Oh, I've got something inside me,
    Not what my life's about,
    Cause I've been letting my outside tide me,
    Over 'till my time, runs out.